not about me.

I must consistently remind myself that this life is not about me...

Some nights I feel so weak. I don't understand my emotions lately. I am in an entirely new state of mind that is so "abnormal" from what I am used to in life. Perhaps I could describe this state of being as my joy being slowly swallowed by loneliness. It's not just one thing... it's many things. I feel as though I'm standing on the outskirts of humanity watching other people plan things, accomplish things, create things... watching other people being a part of something that I feel so disconnected from. I am allowing things to go straight to my heart and swirl around in my mind without my usual filter of strength, independence, and humility. I feel selfish. Ungrounded. Confused. Lost. Lonely.

I'm not just lonely from being single (which, watching handfuls of people around me buzz about their lives with a commotion of eagerness and coupled-connectivity doesn't exactly help, either)... it's overall loneliness that speaks to not connecting with people the way I once did. Or have. I can't figure out if I've lost my appeal or I've become too selfish... am I making things up, or creating situations that are not really there? Do I have unrealistic expectations or hopes for relationships with people? Am I too sensitive? Am I too selfish? I have all of these questions with a lack of answers.

Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?  Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home... for Jesus is my portion. A constant friend is He... His eye is on the sparrow, and I know... He watches me.