broken hearts.

Once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. And I cried for weeks.

I cried, and I slept, and I cried some more. I barely ate. I barely spoke. I remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt such deep loss... the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who I truly am... I learned a lot in those first few weeks of heartache. I learned what it truly means to be solemn. What it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time.

I questioned myself often... and for this, I am grateful. For it was out of this first broken heart that I started to recognize what I did and did not like in myself. And my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems... for sometimes, I create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but I pretend that it's real anyway. I did not like this in myself. I want to be real and unashamed, but I do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

The next time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for days.

In these days I felt hurt and confused. This heartache stripped me of the good that I saw in myself and left me battling a wall of bitterness. This was not ok. I learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. I learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. I learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away... sometimes it is the best medicine. So I got away... for several days. I learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? I learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

And the last time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for a night.

I cried for loss. I cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. It was in these tears that I felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. Sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. It was in these tears that I knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. It was in these tears that I felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. I knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. And I know that there will be no more broken hearts...

and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears...and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...get over your hill and see... what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair...

One day... love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
And one day... I will find the beauty of love as it was made to be...

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...be more like the man you were made to be.there is a design, an alignment, a cry... of my heart to see...the beauty of love, as it was made to be...

No more broken hearts.
Just promises.
Grace.
Submission.
Hope…

Very exciting hope.

i will wait.

There is a difficult balance of emotion and willpower that is required for being a single woman in her late twenty's. Everyone has unique struggles at different stages of life, but finding that balance of being content amidst so much desire for "what's to come" proves especially difficult some days more than others. It's like i have no real balance... I'm usually on either side of that spectrum, overly content with where I am at and thankful that I only have to account for myself (and my dog), or I'm caught in moments of wishing i knew what was next: who he was, where he is, and when we'll get to live life together.

Songs speak to me. And usually there is a song that completes my thoughts/feelings on either side of that spectrum, but rarely does one fill the balance of those two: learning to be content, while still dreaming for what's to come. So many songs that have any semblance of "singleness" are so sad and depressing and overly romantic: why is that?! Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want to only listen to overly sappy sad love songs. (Well, there are those days, of course)... Or the songs about being content are strictly spiritual songs (worship songs): which of course is not a bad thing. I noticed yesterday that it's rare to find a song that can balance those two: that characterizes my heart in a spiritual sense, as well as a romantic sense. It's like a "love song" can only be one or the other: either we're singing about Jesus or we're singing about "that boy" ... I want a song that fits for both. Because i'm in the middle of both.

Then there was this song: and I've had it on repeat for days. Literally, i've been repeating this one song... for days.

First of all, i adore this group of musicians. Second, I am overly eager about this new album. But ultimately... I love this song because it balances exactly how i feel these days... as a single woman: this song has managed to be able to speak to me spiritually as I am constantly learning more about Jesus and what it means to wait for him... and this song relays exactly how I feel emotionally - the days of waiting, the learning to let my head lead as well as my heart, the need for strength and patience and persistence...and hope.

now i'll be bold / as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart so tame my flesh / and fix my eyes a tethered mind freed from the lies and i'll kneel down / wait for now and i'll kneel down / know my ground raise my hands / paint my spirit gold bow my head / keep my heart slow... 'cuz i will wait, i will wait for you...

I'm still learning... always learning: to be content with my place in life. To be excited about every day; to pursue people with love and intention; to dig deeper into understanding who Christ is while i have the opportunity of it just being "me and Him" ... still learning that it's ok to hope for the days when my singleness stretch of life will be past; I don't have to bury those desires just to keep strong. I need balance. I need my head to tell my heart to be content... I need my heart to remind my head that it's ok to dream...

and i'll kneel down...
wait for now.
i will wait...

unexpected & overwhelmed.

The other day was a very precious day...

I had the opportunity to watch the baby girl of two of my dearest friends as they were at work the other day... a blessing of having one part time job at the moment. What a special day, but I have a new respect for moms. It's not that I even had a difficult day or anything... I just realized how much more "busy" a day can seem! The breaks in my own familiar routine throughout the day... the bottle feeding, interacting, the napping... and doing it all over again several times a day! ... I loved it.

There was one moment late in the day that had me slightly worn down and yet managed to bring tears to my eyes... This beautiful girl was a breeze through the entire day, but naturally became fussy in the late afternoon when she decided she was hungry... I was trying to hold her off from having a bottle so that her mom could feed her once she got home, and I didn't want her to fall asleep again before eating... but nothing was satisfying this sweet bundle of joy...

So I did the only thing I could think of: I carried her around the house, cradled in my arms. And of course, this wasn't helping either, so I did the only other thing my tired and confused brain could think of... I started humming.

So here I am, pacing around the first floor of the house, rocking this beautiful baby in my arms, humming whatever made-up tune was in my head, and she silenced right up... and gazed up at me with those beautiful baby eyes... and somehow I had transitioned to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and before I knew it, there were tears streaming down my face. My heart was so full in that moment and I caught myself doing something I had always dreamed of doing someday... I realized that little "pang" of desire in that moment... desire to be a mom, and be able to soothe my own baby by humming a song...

It amazes me how my heart will so many times desire something that makes no sense to my mind. I see this so many times in my life... with so many situations... but this time, it was unmistakeable joy that I desired. I'm not necessarily itching to be married right this instant. I have many things to learn in life, and I am content in pursuing my independence and purpose and strengthening my character as I am... and I really am not itching to have children right this instant, knowing that it is not as "romantic" as that one little moment the other day... but knowing that those desires to someday be married... to someday have children of my own... knowing that those desires are not just a dream or an illusion, but that they are inherently a part of me, so much so that they bring me to tears...

Well, for that I am thankful. And encouraged. For that moment of unexpected and overwhelming joy in my heart will carry me a long way in being content today.