(almost) ten years later...

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they say that time heals all wounds.i hated that phrase, once.  when my heart was first broken and the world that i knew was shattered... everyone told me that it just takes time.  that despite my brokenness, someday i would feel whole again.  that's the last thing that you want to hear when your heart hurts... and i still remember vividly what those days and nights were like, to feel empty, and dark, and hollow... to feel worthless.   to feel like i would never be able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.but i did.  slowly, but surely... i did.  and now i believe it.  that in many ways, time truly does allow for the wounds of pain and brokenness to heal.  there are still scars... some more obvious than others... but the pain is no longer there.  i really couldn't even tell you when the pain finally went away... it just did.  and it doesn't hurt anymore... those memories are no longer a burden.looking back, i see God's hand at work in the way that He cared for me and surrounded me and distracted me from my own brokenness, to allow the pain to go away over time.  and eventually, God broke down some walls around my heart to recognize my own flaws within that pain... my own selfishness and my desire for control.  a never-ending journey, but one that is recognized and that i fight against almost every day... to desire less of me and more of Him.and while time seems to be able to heal (most) wounds, i still believe there is great need for action... that healing ultimately requires recognition and response.  to recognize what once was and where you are going... and to respond... to forgive.  time may be able to distract and heal the pain... but without forgiveness, the bitterness will always sit in my heart.  how much more clearly i can understand the Scriptures when it says "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:14-15)  what a strong statement!  there is no way of letting go of the bitterness in my heart without forgiveness.  and despite all of this brokenness and pain and bitterness that was once in my heart... the Lord loves me all the more for it."all the more!" this amazes me. time and time again, i feel like i continue to stumble and fall and that i am filled with that brokenness again, or the selfishness, or the bitterness, and time and time again the Lord washes over my brokenness and pain.  the past few weeks i keep coming back to this phrase in James where he simply states, "but He gives more grace." and i am overwhelmed.  almost ten years later and the Lord is continuing to overwhelm me with His Grace, and i feel that i can finally say that i have let it all go... the pain, the brokenness, and the bitterness from all those years ago.tonight, i treasure the brokenness that has strengthened me tobecome who i am today.tonight, i am overwhelmed by grace.tonight, i am hopeful for the future and what is to come...

blessed: my 2 AM friends.

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"Your friends will help determine the direction and the quality of your life."There are many things that I am thankful for... but this year it is more and more apparent as to how blessed I truly am by the friends that the Lord has graced me with in my lifetime... past and present!Several weeks ago, during the sermon at church, we were digging into Scripture and discussing what encouraging and supportive friendships should look like... and our pastor asked us if we have any "2 AM friends". You know... those friends that we can call up at any time of day or night, even if it's 2 o'clock in the middle of the night, and they will step up to the plate to listen to you, to love and encourage you, and to challenge you.I'll be honest... I've known the answer to that question for a long time now... I thank God almost every day for the dear friends that He has placed in my life and for their faithfulness to not only the Lord but also their faithfulness to be my friend... even on my most un-pretty and selfish days!  These girls have walked through life with me since 3rd grade, and have laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me, encouraged me, and even slapped me around a few times to make me see truth rather than selfish lies.I'm often thankful for family and friends and am more than aware of the many blessings of grace that the Lord has provided to me... but these friends are more cherished than words can even truly describe! 

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broken hearts.

Once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. And I cried for weeks.

I cried, and I slept, and I cried some more. I barely ate. I barely spoke. I remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt such deep loss... the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who I truly am... I learned a lot in those first few weeks of heartache. I learned what it truly means to be solemn. What it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time.

I questioned myself often... and for this, I am grateful. For it was out of this first broken heart that I started to recognize what I did and did not like in myself. And my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems... for sometimes, I create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but I pretend that it's real anyway. I did not like this in myself. I want to be real and unashamed, but I do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

The next time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for days.

In these days I felt hurt and confused. This heartache stripped me of the good that I saw in myself and left me battling a wall of bitterness. This was not ok. I learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. I learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. I learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away... sometimes it is the best medicine. So I got away... for several days. I learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? I learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

And the last time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for a night.

I cried for loss. I cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. It was in these tears that I felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. Sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. It was in these tears that I knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. It was in these tears that I felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. I knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. And I know that there will be no more broken hearts...

and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears...and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...get over your hill and see... what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair...

One day... love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
And one day... I will find the beauty of love as it was made to be...

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...be more like the man you were made to be.there is a design, an alignment, a cry... of my heart to see...the beauty of love, as it was made to be...

No more broken hearts.
Just promises.
Grace.
Submission.
Hope…

Very exciting hope.

this year: through faith.

last year i found myself often lying in the dark and asking God for CLARITY... of all things, i just wanted an understanding. i wanted things to be clear. i feel there is so much uncertainty in my life and i wanted a visible road map for what is coming next in my life... i knew he was calling me to WAIT on Him... but i often found myself wanting to say "to what end?" rather than just sitting back and saying "ok."this year... i find the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart and kicking me down a few notches. how selfish i have been in asking for CLARITY when all he wants is for me to TRUST. i have a hard time with the unknown. i can "chalk it up" to my planner-personality or my desire to make clear, smart decisions... but really, i just have a hard time trusting. i have a hard time being dependent on others. i have a hard time letting go of control.23 days into the new year and God is already rocking my world... He is continually reminding me that there must be a balance between [my responsibilities and my purpose for being on my own] and [waiting on Him to tell a greater story through my life, in His perfect timing] ... He is reminding me that it's ok and good to be strong and dependent and adventurous, but that this strength is not by my own doing... this waiting period in my life is not to show me that i can do things better on my own... it is all to remind me of how much I NEED HIM. i must depend on Him, not on myself. i must wait on Him, not on my own timing. i must TRUST in Him, not in what i can or cannot do.so i'm changing a few things this year... i have started a whole new list of things i've never done before. i want to enjoy this spirit of freedom... to soak in this independence and singleness.  but i'm not doing it to prove anything to myself. i'm doing this to continually remind myself that every day can be an adventure and that i can enjoy even the littlest of things. and i'm doing this to keep myself in a place of TRUSTING what the Lord has planned for me.

"... since we have been justified THROUGH FAITH, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access BY FAITH into this GRACE in which we now stand. And we boast in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; perseverance, CHARACTER; and character, HOPE. And hope does not put us to shame, because GOD'S LOVE has been poured out into our hearts through the HOLY SPIRIT, who has been given to us."[ Romans 5:1-5 ]

this year, rather than praying for clarity in my time of waiting... i am going to be praying for the Lord to take over, as I learn to TRUST in His plan, rather than my own plans. you'll see more posts about this "list of new things"... i'm going to embrace the adventure in my life... but i'm embracing these adventures because Someone Else is writing out my story, and I'm trusting that whatever comes along is so much better than whatever story i would have tried to write on my own.this year: by GRACE, through FAITH, with HOPE...for, "i am not my own."

promises: i will wait.

the theme of "waiting" has been quite prevalent in my life lately, specifically so in the last few months... the Lord is continually working on this area of my heart, and recently my prayers have shifted from "Lord, give me patience" to "Lord, give me clarity and wisdom." tonight, while investing time in Psalms, these particular verses really struck a chord with my soul:

Trust in the Lord, and do good; and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord and WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM; The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever.The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. WAIT FOR THE LORD and keep his way, and he will exalt you... Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. [Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 23, 24, 27, 30, 31, 34, 37 ESV]

naturally, the "wait patiently" part sticks out boldly in my heart... I feel like I have been in a "waiting room" for years now. but the most encouraging part about these verses to me is not the reminder to wait with patience, but rather the promise that "He will act." what a bold promise! an encouragement mixed with a very real conviction and reminder that I must commit my desires and longings and every day attitude to Him, and then TRUST that His ways are so much better than my ways... and HE WILL ACT. not on my time table, but on His perfect and glorious timeline...I need to remind myself of this daily.... wait patiently on the Lord.... HE WILL ACT.

poetry: i will wait.

there seems to be a common theme these past few weeks...i am continually learning. and some nights my learning is more uplifting and encouraging... other nights i am hammered with conviction.  tonight is one of those extremely convicting nights.  but that's ok... i need it. God knows where i am... and God is continually knocking away at some of my selfishness and impatience.i was once told that i should stop praying for patience, because God will continually be walking me through situations to stretch my understanding of waiting on Him... she was joking, slightly, but how true this is... I ask Him to teach me what it looks like to be content and to wait on Him... and He walks me through that journey.  but that doesn't mean I'm good at it.  oh, far from it... i still have so much to learn.last year i stumbled upon this video and watched it about five times in a row and cried more each time...there is so much power and conviction in these words that eat straight into my heart and soul... i mess up so frequently in so many areas, but this... this is where i long to be. who i long to be. and it is not, and will not, be an easy journey to get there...http://youtu.be/igCj3jsbcqs

‘I Will WAIT For You’ by Jannette Ikz (P4CM)

So, it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me…So I took matters into my own hands... and ended up with him.Him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, and a thief.So, why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting, cause it was me who let him in.Claiming we were, “just friends”It was already decided for me by the first day that even if he wasn’t, I was going to make him... the one.You know, I was tired of being alone and I simply made up in my mind that it was about that time.So I decided to drag him along for the ride cause I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat who was tired of the wait.So, I was gonna make him... the one.He had a form of godliness, but... not much.But, hey, I can change him. So, I’ll take him! I mean, he’s close… enough.Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it’s use to me.Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked HIS will from flowing through me.So, I thank Christ that HIS blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.Through my ignorance, HE saw.So, through my sternum, HE sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10.A new heart and a renewed, right spirit within.So, now I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait… for you.See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning.Cause, in the beginning was the Word and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings.Which meant nothing.He couldn’t even pray when I needed him to. Asking him to fast would be absurd.So, forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the WORD.But, I know YOU. You’re already praying for me.Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait… for you.I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of YOU to appease my boredom or to quench my thirsty desire for attention of the short-lived compliments from ‘sorta, kindas.’You know, “he’s sorta kinda right, but sorta kinda wrong.”His first name, Luke. His last name, Warm.I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but never feeling so far apart cause, “I just want to be held.”Cause all I gotta do is say... “No.”No more almost sessions of almost coming close, passing winks and buying drinks, and “Im’ma Im’ma Im’ma flirt.”… Who flirts with the ideology of, “Can you just tell me how much I can get away with and still be saved?”No more. I’ll stay in my bed, alone and write poems, about how I will wait for you.He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath cause I have thoughts that I’ve saved to ask, and our Father God only equips you to open.I will no longer get graded down from ‘so called’ friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time.Who is not subject to time, but I am subject to HIM.He has the ability to stop, fast forward, pause, or rewind at any given time.So, if we could role-play, you would be Abraham, and I would be Sarah, or you could be Issac and I could be Rebecca, a servant's answered prayer…I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Made up of your rib, Adam. And once we meet, like electrons … I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible, atom.We even speak the same math: 1+1+1=3, which really equals 1 if you add 'em.We were all created in HIS image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the SON.If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star...A son of the Son.I would gain energy simply from the light you shine on me.I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.I await your revelation, but once again from the Genesis... I will wait for you.And I will know you... because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom.Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses.Your faith will remind me of Abraham.Your confidence in GOD’s word will remind me of Daniel.Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.Your heart for God will remind me of David.Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.… And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples.But, your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.But I won’t need to identify you by and special ‘Matthews’ or any special ‘Marks’… because HIS WORD will be tatted all over your heart.And you will know me, and you will find me...Where the boldness of Esther, meets the warm closeness of Ruth.Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary.…. Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah.I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31 … waiting for you.But to my Father... my Father who has known me before and was birthed into this earth, only if YOU should see fit.I desire YOUR WILL above mine so even if YOU call me to a life of single-ness, my heart is content with YOU, the one who is sent.YOU are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known.YOU are forever my judge and I am forever your witness. And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.How I’ll always be YOURS and I will always wait for YOU, Lord... more than the watchmen wait for the morning.More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I... WILL... WAIT.

i will wait.

There is a difficult balance of emotion and willpower that is required for being a single woman in her late twenty's. Everyone has unique struggles at different stages of life, but finding that balance of being content amidst so much desire for "what's to come" proves especially difficult some days more than others. It's like i have no real balance... I'm usually on either side of that spectrum, overly content with where I am at and thankful that I only have to account for myself (and my dog), or I'm caught in moments of wishing i knew what was next: who he was, where he is, and when we'll get to live life together.

Songs speak to me. And usually there is a song that completes my thoughts/feelings on either side of that spectrum, but rarely does one fill the balance of those two: learning to be content, while still dreaming for what's to come. So many songs that have any semblance of "singleness" are so sad and depressing and overly romantic: why is that?! Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want to only listen to overly sappy sad love songs. (Well, there are those days, of course)... Or the songs about being content are strictly spiritual songs (worship songs): which of course is not a bad thing. I noticed yesterday that it's rare to find a song that can balance those two: that characterizes my heart in a spiritual sense, as well as a romantic sense. It's like a "love song" can only be one or the other: either we're singing about Jesus or we're singing about "that boy" ... I want a song that fits for both. Because i'm in the middle of both.

Then there was this song: and I've had it on repeat for days. Literally, i've been repeating this one song... for days.

First of all, i adore this group of musicians. Second, I am overly eager about this new album. But ultimately... I love this song because it balances exactly how i feel these days... as a single woman: this song has managed to be able to speak to me spiritually as I am constantly learning more about Jesus and what it means to wait for him... and this song relays exactly how I feel emotionally - the days of waiting, the learning to let my head lead as well as my heart, the need for strength and patience and persistence...and hope.

now i'll be bold / as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart so tame my flesh / and fix my eyes a tethered mind freed from the lies and i'll kneel down / wait for now and i'll kneel down / know my ground raise my hands / paint my spirit gold bow my head / keep my heart slow... 'cuz i will wait, i will wait for you...

I'm still learning... always learning: to be content with my place in life. To be excited about every day; to pursue people with love and intention; to dig deeper into understanding who Christ is while i have the opportunity of it just being "me and Him" ... still learning that it's ok to hope for the days when my singleness stretch of life will be past; I don't have to bury those desires just to keep strong. I need balance. I need my head to tell my heart to be content... I need my heart to remind my head that it's ok to dream...

and i'll kneel down...
wait for now.
i will wait...

life update: full-time.

it's been a long time since i have actually written out the activities and changes that have occurred in my life. for that reason, sharing where i am at and what i am currently up to, is extremely intimidating.

many of you know that for me, finding a full-time job has been a long time coming.  and praise the Lord, after much waiting, searching, and wondering, i was offered a full-time position this past April.  i accepted an offer to work for a local bank in their internet banking department, which means i am now a mix of tech support and customer service.  slightly intimidating, but a unique and actually exciting challenge most days.

believe it or not, since i started in April, up until this point, i have been doing some pretty crazy training/job application day after day for this position.  goodness, there's so much learn. federal regulations, new programs, account information, phone systems. whew! but truth be told, i'm actually somewhat of a data-computer geek, so i took to the data-entry part of the job quite quickly, and the customer service part just required a bit of a confidence boost (once i felt like i knew what i was doing) and everything else is just constant problem-solving.i really like solving problems. it's like i'm working on unique puzzles every day.

full-time employment is such a huge blessing. and naturally, i feel much more grown up. life doesn't necessarily feel any more or less busy, though. it's just a different kind of busy. my days require earlier mornings, routine lifestyle, and fewer evening activities, ensuring that i spend lots of time with my dear sadie.

today i worked a late shift, and had the opportunity to walk through the back parking lots, to meet my father for dinner at a new restaurant/brewpub that just opened in downtown Lititz. a little on the expensive side, for "pub food" but so absolutely worth it. dad and i tried four different foods... campfire chili, chipotle beef quesadillas, tequila lime chicken wings, and the "hog wild" pulled pork w/ root beer bbq sauce sandwich including homemade potato chips and pickles on the side. oh my goodness, i'm still stuffed. late dinner with my dad after working late... was definitely the highlight of my week. not only am i blessed to have a full-time job, but to be able to be working and living near enough to my parents, to be able to meet up last minute to enjoy their company, catch up on life, and share good food. the Lord has blessed me with so many dear things and His Grace is overwhelming in my life.

how have you seen God's blessings in your life this year?

unexpected & overwhelmed.

The other day was a very precious day...

I had the opportunity to watch the baby girl of two of my dearest friends as they were at work the other day... a blessing of having one part time job at the moment. What a special day, but I have a new respect for moms. It's not that I even had a difficult day or anything... I just realized how much more "busy" a day can seem! The breaks in my own familiar routine throughout the day... the bottle feeding, interacting, the napping... and doing it all over again several times a day! ... I loved it.

There was one moment late in the day that had me slightly worn down and yet managed to bring tears to my eyes... This beautiful girl was a breeze through the entire day, but naturally became fussy in the late afternoon when she decided she was hungry... I was trying to hold her off from having a bottle so that her mom could feed her once she got home, and I didn't want her to fall asleep again before eating... but nothing was satisfying this sweet bundle of joy...

So I did the only thing I could think of: I carried her around the house, cradled in my arms. And of course, this wasn't helping either, so I did the only other thing my tired and confused brain could think of... I started humming.

So here I am, pacing around the first floor of the house, rocking this beautiful baby in my arms, humming whatever made-up tune was in my head, and she silenced right up... and gazed up at me with those beautiful baby eyes... and somehow I had transitioned to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and before I knew it, there were tears streaming down my face. My heart was so full in that moment and I caught myself doing something I had always dreamed of doing someday... I realized that little "pang" of desire in that moment... desire to be a mom, and be able to soothe my own baby by humming a song...

It amazes me how my heart will so many times desire something that makes no sense to my mind. I see this so many times in my life... with so many situations... but this time, it was unmistakeable joy that I desired. I'm not necessarily itching to be married right this instant. I have many things to learn in life, and I am content in pursuing my independence and purpose and strengthening my character as I am... and I really am not itching to have children right this instant, knowing that it is not as "romantic" as that one little moment the other day... but knowing that those desires to someday be married... to someday have children of my own... knowing that those desires are not just a dream or an illusion, but that they are inherently a part of me, so much so that they bring me to tears...

Well, for that I am thankful. And encouraged. For that moment of unexpected and overwhelming joy in my heart will carry me a long way in being content today.