i will wait.

There is a difficult balance of emotion and willpower that is required for being a single woman in her late twenty's. Everyone has unique struggles at different stages of life, but finding that balance of being content amidst so much desire for "what's to come" proves especially difficult some days more than others. It's like i have no real balance... I'm usually on either side of that spectrum, overly content with where I am at and thankful that I only have to account for myself (and my dog), or I'm caught in moments of wishing i knew what was next: who he was, where he is, and when we'll get to live life together.

Songs speak to me. And usually there is a song that completes my thoughts/feelings on either side of that spectrum, but rarely does one fill the balance of those two: learning to be content, while still dreaming for what's to come. So many songs that have any semblance of "singleness" are so sad and depressing and overly romantic: why is that?! Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want to only listen to overly sappy sad love songs. (Well, there are those days, of course)... Or the songs about being content are strictly spiritual songs (worship songs): which of course is not a bad thing. I noticed yesterday that it's rare to find a song that can balance those two: that characterizes my heart in a spiritual sense, as well as a romantic sense. It's like a "love song" can only be one or the other: either we're singing about Jesus or we're singing about "that boy" ... I want a song that fits for both. Because i'm in the middle of both.

Then there was this song: and I've had it on repeat for days. Literally, i've been repeating this one song... for days.

First of all, i adore this group of musicians. Second, I am overly eager about this new album. But ultimately... I love this song because it balances exactly how i feel these days... as a single woman: this song has managed to be able to speak to me spiritually as I am constantly learning more about Jesus and what it means to wait for him... and this song relays exactly how I feel emotionally - the days of waiting, the learning to let my head lead as well as my heart, the need for strength and patience and persistence...and hope.

now i'll be bold / as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart so tame my flesh / and fix my eyes a tethered mind freed from the lies and i'll kneel down / wait for now and i'll kneel down / know my ground raise my hands / paint my spirit gold bow my head / keep my heart slow... 'cuz i will wait, i will wait for you...

I'm still learning... always learning: to be content with my place in life. To be excited about every day; to pursue people with love and intention; to dig deeper into understanding who Christ is while i have the opportunity of it just being "me and Him" ... still learning that it's ok to hope for the days when my singleness stretch of life will be past; I don't have to bury those desires just to keep strong. I need balance. I need my head to tell my heart to be content... I need my heart to remind my head that it's ok to dream...

and i'll kneel down...
wait for now.
i will wait...

seasonally hidden.

"Life does not sleep - though in winter she retracts all advertisement. And when she does so, she is conserving and preparing for the future.And so it is with us. Seasonally, we too are stripped of visible fruit. Our giftings are hidden; our abilities are underestimated. When previous successes fade and current efforts falter, we can easily mistake our fruitlessness for failure.But such is the rhythm of spiritual life: new growth, fruitfulness, transition, rest... new growth, fruitfulness, transition, rest. Abundance may make us feel more productive, but perhaps emptiness has greater power to strengthen our souls.In spiritual winters, our fullness is thinned so that, undistracted by our giftings, we can focus upon our character. In the absence of anything to measure, we are left with nothing to stare at except for our foundation."

quoted text from "Anonymous: Jesus' hidden years and yours" by Alicia Britt Chole

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unnaturally forgetful

I have a hard time understanding God's capacity to forgive and forget...My thoughts feel so scattered.  I find that I often like the stillness that comes in the quiet. I find it comforting.  I need to clear my mind, but I feel as though there is so much up there all jumbled together that it will take weeks just to sort through the floating pieces.  I have a hard time forming meaningful thoughts and at times catch myself not knowing what to say to people.  So tonight I drove in silence while trying to piece together the thoughts on my heart.At times I feel it would seem so much easier to be selfish in life.  I want to say that my thoughts and feelings are the most important things that matter and if I am unhappy or upset, that is the way the rest of my environment should be portrayed.  I want to hold hurt near to me as a sense of self-identity... a mark of significance in my identity versus that of others.  Simply put, by definition, to be selfish is to be consumed with self.  And it is natural for me to want to be consumed with myself... with my thoughts, my feelings, my hurt and pain...I can't get over the image of how this must affect God.See... for as hard as it is for me to forget the hurt that I've felt so many different times from so many different people, how much harder must it be for God to forget the times that I have sinned and hurt Him... ?Of course this monologue could continue in a lengthy discussion encompassing the Holy Trinity and sin nature... to understand my earthly identity from my spiritual identity, compared to the identity of God... but this is not where my thoughts are disconnected from my heart.Really, I think I am just in awe of God's capacity to love me.  To forgive me and to forget my sins... to truly wash me clean when I say I am sorry and pursue me in a gentle manner that sets aside the hurt I have caused.  And here I am having a hard time forgetting the times that I have been hurt in some form......who am I?I deserve nothing, and yet act as though I have a right to carry around the weight of hurt that I feel.  If I say I want to ultimately be like Christ... I must ultimately learn to live in the un-natural.  It is unnatural for me to put my feelings aside and move forward in grace, yet this is what I want.I want to be unnaturally forgetful.