A lifestyle blog focused on motherhood, marriage, and ministry! My journey as a work-from-home mom and entrepreneur, the wife of a youth pastor, and sharing my favorite things!
It's funny how sometimes things just "click." I was moments ago sitting on the cold tile floor of my bathroom, stressed, exhausted, and near ready to burst into tears from frustration and lack of patience. All I wanted to do was get to church on time, and instead, here I was... with a tired soul and sore knees. Perhaps I should explain further...
Read MoreThere have been times where I most certainly have perched upon that high-strung cable using everything within me to try and maintain a moderate balance. Even the slightest breeze threatened my position and I mimicked the actions of the bird in my unease, ceasing to keep my head from twisting from the left to the right and back again.
Read Morethere's something so... still... about the silence at this hour.this stillness gives me time to think clearly. peacefully.i rub my eyes and pull my knees just a little bit closer as i hunch over my thoughts from the day.i just can't get that question out of my head that she asked. "who do you want to be?"... i guess i had never thought about it in that way before.i couldn't help but think about something i had written over a year ago.... the butterflies in my stomach are a testament to thesilent thrills that shall forever remain secret,as i slip once again beneath cold and crisp, lonely linens.i've yet to dissipate the dreams from my sleep,and reach further to grasp those distant memories.so..."who do you want to be?"to think about it that way... i want to be gentle. i want to be kind in my response. i want to be patient. but above all, i want to be honest. i want to have no regrets. i want to know that every ounce of love within me was outsourced in gentle honesty so that i can know i have wiped my own slate clean...and here it is in silence. that i can see the pieces of my heart and mind come together much like that of a puzzle... i can figure little bits out at a time, but mostly it's all still being spread out on the dining room table. i know it's going to take much more time to decipher each piece and line them up where they belong. i don't have a big picture to reference... i just have to trust that when the pieces fit together, the big picture will slowly start making more sense in due time...i pull my knees closer again to my chest as i rest my chin in the midst of my thoughts.the chill down my spine breaks the still of the moment.... so i know who i want to be.
[excerpts from my journal a few days ago]...
part of me feels so selfish when I want everything to rewind and it not be real at all - while there was also some strange mix of peace off and on that surpassed most of my understanding. my heart truly does rejoice that Janet is dancing with her Savior and I can only smile when I realize that she no longer has her stomach pain and can have any of her questions answered. but I'll miss her for sure. Janet showed me a very tangible example of how to truly LOVE everyone she met. there may have been times when we would come home talking about the annoyances of someone, but as soon as that person would walk in our door she would love on them like they were the most important person there. often this confused me and I just couldn't grasp that concept, but Lord... make Your Love so real to me in such a way that I can't help but radiate that love in much of the same way that Janet lived that out. I WANT TO LOVE AS YOU HAVE LOVED... YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
[The First of Many]
My friendship with Janet held many firsts. We had our first dorm lounge movie night together in Murphy watching The Neverending Story by ourselves (which we loved!) She and I lived in our first house together - and thank the Lord, I couldn't have asked for a better housemate. I experienced my first (and maybe only) neighbor retreat w/ Janet! I miss that weekend. We were together to buy and raise our first puppy - Sadie was often our escape from boy troubles. She took me out for my birthday and introduced me to my first experience with valet parking. I know there are many more memories, but perhaps the most important, Janet was my first true soulmate. I remember some of the beginnings of our conversations at the start of our friendship when we realized how much we truly had in common - how similar our hearts and souls, our desires and passions were as we stitched them closer together. I will always miss her smile and her hugs...and the way she would play with my hair. I am thankful for this sense of closure, but wonder how difficult the next weeks and months will be. Lord, give me a heart of compassion for the broken-hearted, and give me strength as I learn to lean on You.
you put the wind beneath my feet
I realize that it's not the smartest thing to do, but it worked. The second extension cord attached to the first helped lengthen the available reach so that I could move past the door. I enjoy the swaying of the porch swing in rhythm with the slight breeze that is teasing with its promise of rain. The high school marching band is practicing off in the distance... the low rumble of drums remind me of thunder while the high pitch of the brass instruments remind me of times past. I would consider this a promising time of year.The gentleness of the early afternoon leaves me time to recollect our conversation from just the other day. All of my thoughts get quite jumbled as I consider what has been, what is now, and what could be in my future. I can't help but realize I feel older than I actually am, and yet feel much more youthful than I am many times told I should be. Yes, this like all times, is a confusing time of life.I appreciate freedoms of life in my youthfulness. I like the flexibility. I cling to the days of last-minute plans. I like the options. I want you to call me up and tell me what we're doing tomorrow. I want to run away without an agenda, ready to see the world. I like having the world at my fingertips - that I can express my thoughts in tangible ways, that I can share what I see, how I feel, who I want to be...It is my experiences that I feel have aged me... added on a few years of maturity beyond twenty-two. Many times I am afraid to speak up for what I want out of life... perhaps it is the fear of being judged. I don't want you to tell me that my passions are unworthy. Unlike my spontaneity in youthfulness, there is a deep desire in me to know that I can settle down someday. I can't wait for that day to take care of a house, kids, dog, and husband... to feel as though I will be in one place somewhat permanently... to get involved in a ministry with the intent of sticking around on a consistent basis.[ Side note ] I just watched two squirrels brave the treacherous road in front of the house. Squirrel #1 (with the walnut in his mouth) was quite the daredevil as he jumped in front of a car and successfully made it to the yard on the other side, while Squirrel #2 was most likely on the brink of a heart attack as he stopped at the edge of the pavement and then retreated back to the yard from which he came... (I ponder this possible symbolism and for a moment, wonder which squirrel my life might represent today). [ End side note ]Anyway... I have decided that I am going to write a book. Someday. I don't think it's just a light whim, either. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and resting on my heart that I really want to share with the world... especially young girls in today's culture. I want them to hear what I have learned from experience and to feel and grasp new thoughts they may have felt but never heard voiced. I think once this book is written I will travel around to speak on these thoughts floating around so close to my heart.In the meantime I'll enjoy the light rain on this wonderful summer afternoon. I will accept the freedoms of my youthfulness at hand... I will experience life on a whim, but I am awaiting the consistency that maturity will bring... there is a part of me longing for the day when I will "settle down"... whatever that means or however it will look.Porch swing, sway in the breeze of the afternoonand carry me with you as I close my eyes and dream...
i was recently confronted with a mix of feelings as i belabored over my words, particularly crafting each word with the next in order to portray a poignant thought within a three minute time frame...i feel i did this with slight ease and excitement as i was able to somehow write out my exact thoughts, craft them with an ounce of creativity, and know that it could then be delivered in the appropriately allotted time.these are words that i wanted to impact listeners... words that i wanted to somehow paint a picture of how God has been working in my life and to what extent my life has been blessed and challenged through ministry...and yet i found myself sitting in a pew, heartbeat slightly racing, on the verge of addressing several thousand people and repeating the phrase over and over in my head "not my words, but Your words"...and then it struck me.how can i say that i want this to not be my words, but be words that come from God, if i have already crafted what i want to say?these are not questions i feel i need an answer to...but rather, just thoughts that swirled through my head this past weekend.i do not take lightly the thought of what i say being "not my words"...
i have recently realized how little ground i have to stand on these days...i am quite disappointed in myself sometimes.today i am promptly humbled by the words of proverbs 13:3 and ephesians 4:29...i have this need to write.perhaps it's a gift... or just a passion...but my heart speaks through written words.yet it is so easy for me to become weary and neglect the responsibility that comes along with my ability to express my thoughts through words...and my heart is heavy as though it is lead... sitting in my stomach as i think about how strong of an impact this can often have... to reflect on my weariness and weaknesses and to realize my own shortcomings as of late...perhaps i could state that i am saddened and disturbed by the log in my own eye...::::::::::::Two nights ago i went to Wafflehouse. It was shortly after midnight.There I met Teresa.Teresa was sweet... her short curly hair and wrinkle lines each expressed in their own way her wisdom through the years worn down by stories untold, yet surprisingly youthful in just the right light. I didn't think i was talking that quietly, but she asked me to repeat my order several times. "I'll have a coffee. And two eggs, over-easy, with hashbrowns and a side of bacon." ... "plain hashbrowns, thank you." Matt's expressive questioning for his own cup of coffee went unnoticed by Teresa during several stops at our table. We joked around with our lovely waitress several times, and she mostly just smiled at us... followed shortly by some smart joke and giving us a hard time, of course.It was sometime during my second egg that Teresa stopped by the table again to ask how everything tasted and if we needed more coffee. She noticed John's unique earring and asked why he did that, and if it hurt. As she poured more of the warm caffeine into my iconic ceramic mug, she proceeded to tell us that she could never get her ear pierced there... for she was deaf in her right ear, due to having a cyst of sorts that needed to be removed, leaving her with a hole in her head just behind that ear, and that an earring there would have been painful. Of course she also showed us this cyst-free hole... and no, I cannot describe it accurately, seeing as how I made the swift decision to look away. To be honest, we had no idea what to say. "I... I'm sorry?"Even with our lack of comments, Teresa proceeded to continue with her story about how her husband had recently passed away... a year previous on Mother's Day. "It's hard," she claimed, with tears brimming in her eyes. She was insistent on telling us why she was no longer a nurse at this point in time... upset and frustrated with the medical systems after losing her husband due to a staph infection and how no one else would take care of him, and she herself had to draw his blood. "I don't believe it's right," she claims. Lord, give me the heart to listen and the words to say if needed. ... I didn't know how to respond to Teresa, to be honest. "I don't think it's right that they keep some people alive just to draw their blood, and wouldn't even take care of my husband. I don't believe God would want it that way."... Through the rest of the evening's comments... despite my inability to finish my eggs during the story regarding staph infections and death... My heart was softened for this woman in the well-worn Wafflehouse uniform. I was glad to see on my yellow and white tab that her name was Teresa... I wanted to be able to jot down a note, written out to her name, to tell her that she was going to be in my prayers. She commended me for pursuing youth ministry... "those kids need someone to look up to... kids are great." Of course, she also added in that John and Dave probably weren't going to do much meaningful with graphic design (perhaps she didn't understand the nature of this pursuit), and that Matt's pursuit for engineering... "well, that's great - not meaningful, but at least you'll make a lot of money."I may not know much more about Teresa, but I know that God loves that child at heart. It was at the moment that I saw her eyes brimming with tears that I also recognized God's love in her eyes. I'm not sure if she knows God as her Heavenly Father or understands who Christ is as her personal Savior... but my prayers are there, that I might one day rejoice alongside Teresa in Heaven...
it is perhaps the most vulnerable feeling to put down the phoneand be overtaken by the flow of tears...it is only then that i realize how alone i am in the house...and even the puppy can do nothing but watch my sorrow expressed in sobs.when all i need is a hug, my lonely self curls up and draws my knees to my chestand i feel the bitter bite of self-doubt...because my innermost being asks the question"am i lovely?"and "am i worth it?":::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::"Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to "keep it together." So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. "I'm gonna harden my heart," sang Rindy Ross. "I'm gonna swallow my tears." A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It's an understandable fear - but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children.... Let the tears come.... Let it all out.As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, "The tears... streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested." Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there - the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life as been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.Let the tears come."::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::"Every woman I have ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.After all... if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feelunseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.":::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.:: Proverbs 4:23 ::"Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you.Think about it: God created you as a woman. "God created man in his own image... male and female he created them" (Gen. 1:27). What it means to bear God's image, you do so as a woman. Female. That's how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart.... every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things:to be romanced,to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,and to unveil beauty.That's what makes a woman come alive."[ excerpts from Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge ]
so if guys need to hear it from a girl, here it is...
guys - don't flirt with girls.
...unless you're generally interested in taking care of her heart.
flirting is "playful behavior intended to arouse interest" ...
this sure doesn't seem to be directed only to females.
the smirks and smiles, the extra glance, the lingering side hug...
beware that girls read into every little detail and dissect every extra ounce of attention.
does this mean girls are ok to flirt and only guys need to watch themselves?
of course not.
doesthis mean that it's solely the girl's fault when she notices extraattention and gives way to intentional flirting, looking for even moreattention from the guy?
of course not.
i think there is a wrong view of this entire subject which has left us blind to the real issue at hand.
Guys - realize this...
GIRLS WERE CREATED TO BE NEEDED.
Imean seriously, the first woman was created to be an "indispensablehelper" - to be one with man... created FROM man... so it is onlynatural that a girl would feel the need to gain attention from a guy...to desire to be looked at as someone who is worth the extraconversation, the extra glance, the playful smile...
so most likely, if you offer it to her... she will take it.
and if she is able to gain your attention by such means... she will look for it.
thisis not about being hurt in the past... being heartbroken or anemotional wreck... this is solely about being created to desireattention and feel needed.
but there are times where thebroken heart takes longer to heal and the past stands in the way ofopening up or is hidden and covered by the search for inappropriateattention.
but you know what i think the real reason for excessive and unhealthy flirting?
... it's simple. it all lies in the misunderstanding of ones identity.
whydoes one (not just guys, and not just girls...) use excessive flirtingto gain attention? because they have lost sight of their true identity.
and i don't mean to sound cliche...
buti truly, honestly feel... and have experienced... that a girl will useexcessive means of flirting NOT because they feel lonely, or abandoned,or even really want that kiss... but rather, because they haveforgotten their identity in Christ. when one stops realizing that theywere created in the image of God... they stop recognizing, feeling, believing their worth. so they try to replace that "emptiness" so to speak.
girls flirt excessively when they have lost focus of their identity in Christ.
andthis is not just the perverted thinker, the apathetic Christian, or thenon-believers... this is for even the mature, "strong" Christian woman.
and i honestly don't know "why" guys flirt... (besides theobvious, physical reasons) but i can only imagine that this sameconclusion would apply. that a guy will give in to temptations andsexual lusts or desires when they have lost sight of their identity inChrist... when they have stopped focusing on who Christ is IN them andwhat that looks like. and this is not just for the perverted,apathetic, or non-believing guy...
i am by no means excusing anyform of excessive, sexually based flirting on behalf of girls... butthere is a lot more to it than meets the eye. and i don't care how manygirls try to tell me it is possible to have a "random" make-outsession, or a merely "platonic" relationship or non-committedfriend-with-benefits... IT'S NOT. because we were created to want more... we were created to feel needed, and there are always emotions attached.
ithink the only reason a girl will flirt with impure intentions isbecause she is no longer confident in who she is in Christ...
and more often than not, she will "flirt" to see where she can get that extra ounce of attention that she is craving...
soif the guy offers to give that attention, then it IS the kind ofattention she is looking for. it's just found in the wrong place, atthe wrong time.
...
i don't think flirting is all wrong.
but i don't think it is always healthy.
and i think it has a tainted perception in today's society - especially the "Christian society".
Guys - take responsibility for your actions.
it'sjust as easy for you to flirt with girls and lead them along... themore often you flirt with her, the easier it is for her to play withthose thoughts and look for something more... to create that"relationship" in her head and play around with those thoughts... todwell on the potential and the possibilities rather than focus on lifeat hand.
if you're not interested in taking care of a girl'sheart... then by all means, don't give her the extra glance, the hiddensmirk, or the lingering hug. and especially don't blame the girl for responding to your actions. if you start it... she'll often let it linger.
and Girls - just be smart.
if you want to be worth it... if you want to FEEL worth it... wait to kiss the guy who will jump over walls to find out whoyou are. and there's that cliche phrase about how a guy should have togo through Christ in order to figure out who you are... because you areso engulfed by Christ himself. remember... it's an identity issue. wewere created to want, to desire, that extra attention... but it meansnothing if we are left empty at the end of every night. and perhaps ifwe are blessed enough, one day there will be one guy who comes alongand just radiates Christ at a level that accelerates where we alreadyare and will only continue to push us closer to who He is.
... hmm.
perhapsi'm just tired of always being told that i wouldn't get myself intoconfusing, complicated situations if i would just stop flirting withthe guy.
... to what extent does the guy have to step up and takeresponsibility and admit that he never should have given me the extraattention in the first place?
i'm working on this flirting thing, really i am.
i'm not sure i have it all figured out.
but one thing i know... i'm tired of hypocrites.
meaning, i'm tired of myself.
and i'm redefining who i am...
to recognize who i am IN CHRIST. (thanks, pastor rob)
...
then again, perhaps all of this could have been said in a much simpler phrase:
guys,if you don't want to worry about the consequences of flirting, and areworried about your mind wandering in an impure direction... perhaps youshouldn't sit on that couch with your arm around the girl during thatmovie.
and you especially shouldn't tell her that it's her fault for flirting in the first place.
maybe then we wouldn't even be having these kinds of conversations.
i sigh with satisfaction at each roll of thunderas the rain beats down its heavy-laden sorrowand washes away the weighted questions in my heart...and tonight i'll sleep peacefully.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::i am rarely more content than when i'm sitting in the midst of a thuderstorm.this is another piece that i wrote fall of last year during a storm that woke me up.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::. . . the heavy pounding of rain quickened with every beat.each second flooded with a wave of hurried excitement.the next crash of thunder stole my slumberful attention as i rolled on my side. my heart skipped a beat at the realization of a nearing storm. my attention was fully grasped the moment the darkness took over.all black.all silent.except for the roars of thunder above the bright displays of lightning.it has been so long since my heart has felt like this. thrilling.i took my time to crawl out of bed...i knew i would need to reset my alarm at some point.that dull orange blinking just wouldn't do for the next hours of the night.perched by the window, i felt like i was almost at home - there were many nights where i curled up on the windowsill to watch a glorious display of lightning with the loud cries of thunder that rolled through the valley in the middle of the night.tonight was no exception to the glory ... as i sat there, each clap of thunder struck a chord in my heart. the nearness of it all just closed around my mind.pure dark once again... lights slowly flickered on here and there.with the next thundering crash, a car panicked for a few seconds...warning off its predator for just a moment or two.again, the lights outside my window gave in to the overpowering storm.i just sat there in awe... the rain beating furiously against the pavement.i watched one car roll by... several hurried figures ran past the towering lightposts and back into the night shadows. my mind assumes that perhaps the inside of their car is now soaked with memories of tonight's storm.thunder rolls off in the distance. the storm is slowly fading away.sirens wail off in the distance... but they cease soon after they've begun.all is silent once again.i grab my cell phone to look at the time... making an obvious decision to carry it back up to my bed with me - i would need to reset my clock at some point.that orange blinking just wouldn't do...one last glance out the window before i left my perch to head for rest.my heart felt so full. satisfied, perhaps?i just couldn't leave the racing thoughts in my mind to surrender to sleep...they would be lost in the night just as much as the storm passing through.. . . i can't help but think .... . . how majestic is my God.majesty....finally...here.
i sat in class tonight - the one that i attend only once a week for an hour -and i couldn't help but hold back tears.sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands my heart.sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands their designed purpose.i sit at the feet of wise words and guiding direction...i have recently and often been challenged to contemplate my purpose in life.why was i created? who am i to be? who am i now?tonight we were going through Ephesians 5:21-33 and Colossians 3:18-19.these passages overwhelm my heart yet satisfy my soul.to hear in words tonight that i want to be in a relationship where i am HONORED -wow.my heart was verbalized.i can only pray now that one day i will be in a relationship where i am VALUED and found WORTHY... because that's all i want. i want to hear that i am valuable and that i am INDESPENSIBLE. because i was formed and CREATED to be an indespensible helper... that is my true nature! i am just waiting for that day when i am privileged enough to submit to one man... to voluntarily surrender my will to one man... not because i am inferior or incapable of things... but because I want to serve in that way... to RESPECT one man... because that is how I was designed! to have an inner character that reflects a quiet spirit and a submissive attitude.i must learn to respect. submit.i want to be honored. understood.and wow, is patience hard.i can't wait for this relationship and yet i can't even imagine the reality.i struggle, i suppose.with waiting. i guess even with growing while waiting....that's all for now.but boy was it ever hard to not let the tears flow and cry out"yes! i want that relationship! i want to emulate Christ and the church through my relationship with one man someday!"it's so easy to say "where is he."it's so hard to say "how am i today?" or "am i ready?"but i guess it's not about being "ready"...rather about what i'm doing during this time of waiting...this is not loneliness. it's more... i don't know. contentment, perhaps?i was created for big things.i just can't wait until i am paired with someone else created for big things, and together we explode and do huge things for Christ.i'm crazy, i know.whatever... i feel some things just need to be shared.
Welcome to Simple Modest Mom! A lifestyle blog focused on motherhood, marriage, and ministry. This is where I share about my journey as a work-from-home mom and entrepreneur, being the wife of a youth pastor, and sharing about things that I love!
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