A lifestyle blog focused on motherhood, marriage, and ministry! My journey as a work-from-home mom and entrepreneur, the wife of a youth pastor, and sharing my favorite things!
I received this note today from a dear old man... his encouragement and reassuring words brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is ever being portrayed with the sensitivity I long for... I am grateful for the affirmation.
Read MoreI'm speaking at a retreat for some high school girls this weekend and was asked to share some of my life story... to show how God is uniquely using me to bring Himself glory...I wanted to post a modified version of what I'm going to share.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It feels kind of silly, but as I reflect on my own life I really feel as though I have little to share.Imagine that you’re putting a puzzle together… you know how you dump all of the pieces out on the table and many of them are flipped upside down, and backwards, and none of it seems to make sense? So far it’s just a big mess of pieces. I guess sometimes I feel like my life is one giant puzzle that I’m looking at… the only difference being that I don’t have the box with the big picture on it. So right now, I’m standing at this place in life, on one piece of this gigantic puzzle that doesn’t make any sense and I can’t figure out what other pieces it connects to… If I look to my right I can see where other pieces have started fitting together, which is helping the picture to become a little clearer, but to my left, is still a large messy pile of pieces and I don’t know where they belong.Let me share with you some of the pieces of my puzzle that I have already seen pieced together in my life. I suppose I should start with the basics and tell you that I grew up in a loving family that pushed me to love Jesus and enabled me to grow in a relationship with God and His Son. I learned to thrive at church and summer camps, and found many of my best friends at church. Of course, it helps that I have a very outgoing, attention-driven personality, especially in junior high, and I would often find myself wanting to be immersed in various ministries at church. Over time, I was slowly being molded and finding in myself that my heart was being pulled to ministry. With that said, even up until my senior year of high school, I really didn’t know what it was I wanted to do in life. When I was really little, I wanted to be a veterinarian… mostly because I loved animals. I think really I just always wanted something to take care of. Then later, I thought it would be great to be a teacher. I think I wanted to be able to help people learn things. Although, looking back, I genuinely think that I really just wanted to be able to hold a red pen and circle lots of mistakes on other peoples’ papers. And then I realized that becoming a teacher would mean going to more school (college) just to be in school for the rest of my life… no way! During my senior year of high school, through an opportunity I had to take a class for our morning announcements, it became more concrete to me that I almost enjoyed speaking in front of people, as well as playing with electronics and editing video and being on a computer all the time. I learned that I love seeing results and get excited when I am able to create something that is visually pleasing. And, as I’ve said before, I absolutely loved being at church. I took several opportunities to step into leadership roles for small groups along with leading mission trips, and all of this started to confirm in me that I was meant to be a part of ministry… to help create disciples for Christ, and I really wanted to be a role model for younger girls.So… all in all…When it came time to choose a college, I started to realize that I wanted one that had a strong communications program (because I thought it would be a great career to be in broadcasting or video editing), but I also wanted it to have the possibility to get even more involved in ministry programs (specifically youth ministry). And in my mind, the two of these weren’t that far off from each other, because I saw great value in improving my communication skills and technological skills for the purpose of ministry.I think I made that all sound like a picnic in a park, but there really have been some seriously challenging pieces of my life puzzle. When I went to college in the fall after my senior year of high school, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was finally leaving my family and stepping out on this journey of independence, I had lots of friends and several of my closest girlfriends since childhood were going to the same college as me, and I had a boyfriend that told me we would eventually be getting married… after college, of course. (Shoot, what was four years, right?) I may have felt like I had everything together in life, but in the next few years, God was going to start tearing down different walls in my life in order to get me to walk a path closer to His heart. Like I said earlier, sometimes we’re standing on one piece of the puzzle and just can’t see any logical place for it to fit with the big picture.During my freshman year of college, my boyfriend eventually decided that he didn’t like me and that our relationship wasn’t going to go any further. I don’t mean for this to turn into a sappy story, by any means, but this jolted my entire understanding of who I was and where I was going in life. I may not have said this to many people, but in my mind, I just had to make it through college, and then after that I was getting married to this boy, and that was all that was going to matter. So when this was ripped away from me, I was brought to my knees in utter confusion. I think parts of me wanted to be angry at God… I was confused about who I was or where I was going in life. I didn’t understand my purpose anymore. This was also a time in life where I started to find out about a lot of deep painful issues that were going on in my family… that had been going on for a long time… that almost everyone in my family knew about except for me. I can’t give you more details than that... not just because I don’t want to talk about it, but really because even now I don’t fully know or understand the details of those issues… I just know that I felt like I no longer had anyone around me that I knew anymore.Everything and everyone closest to me in my life felt like a lie.Even back at college, I had similar situations where friends just stopped inviting me to join their group activities, and I had to struggle through understanding why I wasn’t enough, or was too much, or what was really going on. As much as I have always loved being around people, these different roadblocks on my path in life were bringing me to a point where I was really questioning who I was… or who I was supposed to be… or who I even wanted to be. And just because I went to a “Christian” college, doesn’t mean that I always wanted to be there. My “Christian life” stopped being a desire of who I wanted to be, and slipped into a daily “routine” of who I was supposed to be. I got to a point where I was no longer excited about going to church, too exhausted to find a ministry, worn out from classes and uninterested in opening my Bible. This went on long enough that without realizing it, I ended up failing all of my classes my first semester of my senior year of college. I just stopped caring for a while. Because of this, I needed to go back to college for one final semester after my senior year, and it was during this time in my life that I experienced the tragic loss of one of my best friends in a car accident. This was another time of deep pain in my life... not out of anger at God... rather, just a sadness in knowing that this beautiful person was no longer in my life. I’m looking forward to spending eternity in Heaven with her though, and hope that she knows what kind of influence she has had on my life. God used this time in my life to kick my heart back into gear and remind me how precious my life really is… to remind me that other people are watching how I approach life even when I don’t know it. You see, my friend Janet taught me what it looked like to love other people with the same unconditional, patient love that Christ did. When she talked about Jesus you could see in her eyes that she knew Him… and that she continually desired to know Him more.I’m thankful that I’ve always had friends placed strategically in my life to not only lift me up out of those dark places of hurt and confusion, but to also remind me who was ultimately in control… that God was greater than myself and even though this piece of my puzzle didn’t make any sense in the moment, God was the one holding the big picture and He knew right where it was going to fit in with the rest of my pieces. You see… the key to the puzzle is not in knowing what the big picture is, or where your current piece is going to fit with the rest of the puzzle… the key is in knowing who is in control of the pieces.God is continually working on my life and if I’m to be completely honest, I still don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do in life, or what I’m supposed to be “when I grow up.” But I do know that I don’t want to be the one trying to fit the pieces together in my life puzzle, because that gets so draining. I want to let God be in control so that my picture can come together with as much of His beauty as possible.
I have a hard time understanding God's capacity to forgive and forget...My thoughts feel so scattered. I find that I often like the stillness that comes in the quiet. I find it comforting. I need to clear my mind, but I feel as though there is so much up there all jumbled together that it will take weeks just to sort through the floating pieces. I have a hard time forming meaningful thoughts and at times catch myself not knowing what to say to people. So tonight I drove in silence while trying to piece together the thoughts on my heart.At times I feel it would seem so much easier to be selfish in life. I want to say that my thoughts and feelings are the most important things that matter and if I am unhappy or upset, that is the way the rest of my environment should be portrayed. I want to hold hurt near to me as a sense of self-identity... a mark of significance in my identity versus that of others. Simply put, by definition, to be selfish is to be consumed with self. And it is natural for me to want to be consumed with myself... with my thoughts, my feelings, my hurt and pain...I can't get over the image of how this must affect God.See... for as hard as it is for me to forget the hurt that I've felt so many different times from so many different people, how much harder must it be for God to forget the times that I have sinned and hurt Him... ?Of course this monologue could continue in a lengthy discussion encompassing the Holy Trinity and sin nature... to understand my earthly identity from my spiritual identity, compared to the identity of God... but this is not where my thoughts are disconnected from my heart.Really, I think I am just in awe of God's capacity to love me. To forgive me and to forget my sins... to truly wash me clean when I say I am sorry and pursue me in a gentle manner that sets aside the hurt I have caused. And here I am having a hard time forgetting the times that I have been hurt in some form......who am I?I deserve nothing, and yet act as though I have a right to carry around the weight of hurt that I feel. If I say I want to ultimately be like Christ... I must ultimately learn to live in the un-natural. It is unnatural for me to put my feelings aside and move forward in grace, yet this is what I want.I want to be unnaturally forgetful.
the light gray clouds drifting across the pale blue sky bring chilled gusts of wind that easily find their way through the woven fabric of my shirt. i notice the scent of the cigarette walking in front of me, taking me back to later college days in back alleys and parking lots. i miss the conversations i once had with those people...I was reconsidering a thought today...People like to hear their name. I try to frequently say a person's name at work because I want them to notice that they are more than just a breakfast order. Perhaps our society is so used to convenience that we have become indifferent to individuals... it is not entirely unnatural or unthinkable for one to go through an entire day without hearing their name. perhaps most people don't even notice, but I would think that must get lonely. I don't want to become numb to my surroundings- especially at work. I want to listen to, relate to, and empathize with the people in my community... even when I'm serving them coffee. I have thus far enjoyed the stories this community has to tell.Anyway, I must finish my thought-wandering for the day and move on with the other little tasks that must be accomplished today...
i know today isn't really about being sad...but i am sad, nonetheless.it was one year ago today that i experienced the crippling grief of great loss... the loss of one of my dearest friends. i am trying to remember to be thankful for the time that God shared her with me and others. i am certainly blessed to have known her... she has inspired so much in me in the short time that i spent with her.i was walking towards work this crisp fall morning from the top of pine street as one of two guys shouted "hello" from the rooftop, asking how i was... it seemed straight out of a movie. i replied "good," noticing the blue of the sky, and he proceeded to tell me that i looked nice today... that made me smile. i know janet would have gotten a kick out of that. i also know she would love this coffeeshop that i work at...i miss her.in honor of the memories i have of janet, i have listened to plenty of the format, lovedrug, imogen heap... even some shane & shane and matt nathanson... i guess really any song finds it's way to remind me of janet today. i also had a wrap for lunch, reflecting on all of the many times i would walk into our kitchen and find her nibbling on a green spinach tortilla wrap... i am reminded that she is now in a place where there is no pain... no stomach problems... i wonder what she may be feasting on today.the rain storm that rolled through this afternoon seemed only appropriate, and managed to keep me inside rather than out and about and driving around. i think this really was best... driving too easily brought tears to my eyes today.of course it would seem, that every news clip i happened to catch on the television this evening reminded me of the loss of janet... the death of a student in chicago... the loss of lives in the floods in the philippines... (i just know janet would have been eager to go help those people, if she could)... sigh.i am lonely. i'm sure some would say it would be better to be in a crowd at this moment... but perhaps i need to feel lonely for now. i won't deny that i wish i had arms wrapped around me at the moment, but it needs to carry significance. i'm not lonely because i'm still hurting, but i am lonely because i want to be a part of something greater. i miss the people who understand what that means... i miss my dear friends who knew her so well right alongside me...i miss my dear friend who taught me to love unconditionally.
my head is pounding.the aching seems to be gradually getting worse these days. i want to just close my eyes so that it might all go away. the slow rumble, trickle, rush of the water through the pipes in the ceiling are reminiscent of effects of my headaches at times.i'm supposed to be packing but can't bring myself to do it at this hour.instead i shall leave the empty bags to be filled in the morning.the still rush of the wind caused by the fan in the ceiling slowly hums in my direction, wishing me to rest my head on a pillow. the methodical music from the crickets outside beckon me to slumber.sometimes i wonder how i am to genuinely silence all thoughts swirling through my head. i want the songs from earlier in the day to stop playing their rhythmic choruses over and over... i want my shoulders to relax and lessen their tension... i want nothing but silence alongside the hum of the fan and the buzz of the crickets.tonight i want to erase all thoughts from my head so that i hear only silence...silence to lead me into slumber... a clean slate ready for whatever dreams may occur...
The quiet dance of the cello plays lightly overhead as the foam and espresso settles on my tongue with its rich tingle. I have just taken a seat at a table in the back of the cafe and have spotted a well-worn childhood classic on the chair in front of me, and I wonder where the wild things actually are...It did not take long for the music to change and I am now listening to the soulful voice of Cat Power as I moments ago had rested my pen and chose not to dilute my thoughts, as I too often do. I can't help it this time... I know I'm single. I will just let my mind rest there for a while... Sitting quietly in the company of my thoughts, I bring the cup back to meet my lips and stare out the window. My place in this moment in time could be defined here and now by a beautiful ellipses in italics. I am thinking of everything and nothing at the same time....I love a clouded sky that brings the promise of rain.I love a coconut latte that warms my heart with its rich foam and smooth flavors.I am fond of childhood memories and books that capture that essence.But I'm only human, and I can't help but long for more.I could do this... I could live in a city.One with large stone houses and brick sidewalks... coffeeshops on the corner across from the used bookstore... making plans to meet up with the one I love to discuss the triviality of the day and dream about days to come.I suppose though that I must continue to stare out the windowand wonder when the rains might fall...
It's funny how sometimes things just "click." I was moments ago sitting on the cold tile floor of my bathroom, stressed, exhausted, and near ready to burst into tears from frustration and lack of patience. All I wanted to do was get to church on time, and instead, here I was... with a tired soul and sore knees. Perhaps I should explain further...
Read MoreThere have been times where I most certainly have perched upon that high-strung cable using everything within me to try and maintain a moderate balance. Even the slightest breeze threatened my position and I mimicked the actions of the bird in my unease, ceasing to keep my head from twisting from the left to the right and back again.
Read Morethere's something so... still... about the silence at this hour.this stillness gives me time to think clearly. peacefully.i rub my eyes and pull my knees just a little bit closer as i hunch over my thoughts from the day.i just can't get that question out of my head that she asked. "who do you want to be?"... i guess i had never thought about it in that way before.i couldn't help but think about something i had written over a year ago.... the butterflies in my stomach are a testament to thesilent thrills that shall forever remain secret,as i slip once again beneath cold and crisp, lonely linens.i've yet to dissipate the dreams from my sleep,and reach further to grasp those distant memories.so..."who do you want to be?"to think about it that way... i want to be gentle. i want to be kind in my response. i want to be patient. but above all, i want to be honest. i want to have no regrets. i want to know that every ounce of love within me was outsourced in gentle honesty so that i can know i have wiped my own slate clean...and here it is in silence. that i can see the pieces of my heart and mind come together much like that of a puzzle... i can figure little bits out at a time, but mostly it's all still being spread out on the dining room table. i know it's going to take much more time to decipher each piece and line them up where they belong. i don't have a big picture to reference... i just have to trust that when the pieces fit together, the big picture will slowly start making more sense in due time...i pull my knees closer again to my chest as i rest my chin in the midst of my thoughts.the chill down my spine breaks the still of the moment.... so i know who i want to be.
[excerpts from my journal a few days ago]...
part of me feels so selfish when I want everything to rewind and it not be real at all - while there was also some strange mix of peace off and on that surpassed most of my understanding. my heart truly does rejoice that Janet is dancing with her Savior and I can only smile when I realize that she no longer has her stomach pain and can have any of her questions answered. but I'll miss her for sure. Janet showed me a very tangible example of how to truly LOVE everyone she met. there may have been times when we would come home talking about the annoyances of someone, but as soon as that person would walk in our door she would love on them like they were the most important person there. often this confused me and I just couldn't grasp that concept, but Lord... make Your Love so real to me in such a way that I can't help but radiate that love in much of the same way that Janet lived that out. I WANT TO LOVE AS YOU HAVE LOVED... YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH FOR ME.
[The First of Many]
My friendship with Janet held many firsts. We had our first dorm lounge movie night together in Murphy watching The Neverending Story by ourselves (which we loved!) She and I lived in our first house together - and thank the Lord, I couldn't have asked for a better housemate. I experienced my first (and maybe only) neighbor retreat w/ Janet! I miss that weekend. We were together to buy and raise our first puppy - Sadie was often our escape from boy troubles. She took me out for my birthday and introduced me to my first experience with valet parking. I know there are many more memories, but perhaps the most important, Janet was my first true soulmate. I remember some of the beginnings of our conversations at the start of our friendship when we realized how much we truly had in common - how similar our hearts and souls, our desires and passions were as we stitched them closer together. I will always miss her smile and her hugs...and the way she would play with my hair. I am thankful for this sense of closure, but wonder how difficult the next weeks and months will be. Lord, give me a heart of compassion for the broken-hearted, and give me strength as I learn to lean on You.
you put the wind beneath my feet
I realize that it's not the smartest thing to do, but it worked. The second extension cord attached to the first helped lengthen the available reach so that I could move past the door. I enjoy the swaying of the porch swing in rhythm with the slight breeze that is teasing with its promise of rain. The high school marching band is practicing off in the distance... the low rumble of drums remind me of thunder while the high pitch of the brass instruments remind me of times past. I would consider this a promising time of year.The gentleness of the early afternoon leaves me time to recollect our conversation from just the other day. All of my thoughts get quite jumbled as I consider what has been, what is now, and what could be in my future. I can't help but realize I feel older than I actually am, and yet feel much more youthful than I am many times told I should be. Yes, this like all times, is a confusing time of life.I appreciate freedoms of life in my youthfulness. I like the flexibility. I cling to the days of last-minute plans. I like the options. I want you to call me up and tell me what we're doing tomorrow. I want to run away without an agenda, ready to see the world. I like having the world at my fingertips - that I can express my thoughts in tangible ways, that I can share what I see, how I feel, who I want to be...It is my experiences that I feel have aged me... added on a few years of maturity beyond twenty-two. Many times I am afraid to speak up for what I want out of life... perhaps it is the fear of being judged. I don't want you to tell me that my passions are unworthy. Unlike my spontaneity in youthfulness, there is a deep desire in me to know that I can settle down someday. I can't wait for that day to take care of a house, kids, dog, and husband... to feel as though I will be in one place somewhat permanently... to get involved in a ministry with the intent of sticking around on a consistent basis.[ Side note ] I just watched two squirrels brave the treacherous road in front of the house. Squirrel #1 (with the walnut in his mouth) was quite the daredevil as he jumped in front of a car and successfully made it to the yard on the other side, while Squirrel #2 was most likely on the brink of a heart attack as he stopped at the edge of the pavement and then retreated back to the yard from which he came... (I ponder this possible symbolism and for a moment, wonder which squirrel my life might represent today). [ End side note ]Anyway... I have decided that I am going to write a book. Someday. I don't think it's just a light whim, either. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and resting on my heart that I really want to share with the world... especially young girls in today's culture. I want them to hear what I have learned from experience and to feel and grasp new thoughts they may have felt but never heard voiced. I think once this book is written I will travel around to speak on these thoughts floating around so close to my heart.In the meantime I'll enjoy the light rain on this wonderful summer afternoon. I will accept the freedoms of my youthfulness at hand... I will experience life on a whim, but I am awaiting the consistency that maturity will bring... there is a part of me longing for the day when I will "settle down"... whatever that means or however it will look.Porch swing, sway in the breeze of the afternoonand carry me with you as I close my eyes and dream...
Whether you're a New Yorker longing for a taste of home or an intrigued wanderer hoping to experience the city from afar, "NEW YORK, new york" promises to transport you to the heart of the concrete jungle, where dreams are born and ambitions thrive. So, fasten your seatbelts, tune in, and let the melodies paint a vivid portrait of the city that never sleeps.
Read Morei was recently confronted with a mix of feelings as i belabored over my words, particularly crafting each word with the next in order to portray a poignant thought within a three minute time frame...i feel i did this with slight ease and excitement as i was able to somehow write out my exact thoughts, craft them with an ounce of creativity, and know that it could then be delivered in the appropriately allotted time.these are words that i wanted to impact listeners... words that i wanted to somehow paint a picture of how God has been working in my life and to what extent my life has been blessed and challenged through ministry...and yet i found myself sitting in a pew, heartbeat slightly racing, on the verge of addressing several thousand people and repeating the phrase over and over in my head "not my words, but Your words"...and then it struck me.how can i say that i want this to not be my words, but be words that come from God, if i have already crafted what i want to say?these are not questions i feel i need an answer to...but rather, just thoughts that swirled through my head this past weekend.i do not take lightly the thought of what i say being "not my words"...
i have recently realized how little ground i have to stand on these days...i am quite disappointed in myself sometimes.today i am promptly humbled by the words of proverbs 13:3 and ephesians 4:29...i have this need to write.perhaps it's a gift... or just a passion...but my heart speaks through written words.yet it is so easy for me to become weary and neglect the responsibility that comes along with my ability to express my thoughts through words...and my heart is heavy as though it is lead... sitting in my stomach as i think about how strong of an impact this can often have... to reflect on my weariness and weaknesses and to realize my own shortcomings as of late...perhaps i could state that i am saddened and disturbed by the log in my own eye...::::::::::::Two nights ago i went to Wafflehouse. It was shortly after midnight.There I met Teresa.Teresa was sweet... her short curly hair and wrinkle lines each expressed in their own way her wisdom through the years worn down by stories untold, yet surprisingly youthful in just the right light. I didn't think i was talking that quietly, but she asked me to repeat my order several times. "I'll have a coffee. And two eggs, over-easy, with hashbrowns and a side of bacon." ... "plain hashbrowns, thank you." Matt's expressive questioning for his own cup of coffee went unnoticed by Teresa during several stops at our table. We joked around with our lovely waitress several times, and she mostly just smiled at us... followed shortly by some smart joke and giving us a hard time, of course.It was sometime during my second egg that Teresa stopped by the table again to ask how everything tasted and if we needed more coffee. She noticed John's unique earring and asked why he did that, and if it hurt. As she poured more of the warm caffeine into my iconic ceramic mug, she proceeded to tell us that she could never get her ear pierced there... for she was deaf in her right ear, due to having a cyst of sorts that needed to be removed, leaving her with a hole in her head just behind that ear, and that an earring there would have been painful. Of course she also showed us this cyst-free hole... and no, I cannot describe it accurately, seeing as how I made the swift decision to look away. To be honest, we had no idea what to say. "I... I'm sorry?"Even with our lack of comments, Teresa proceeded to continue with her story about how her husband had recently passed away... a year previous on Mother's Day. "It's hard," she claimed, with tears brimming in her eyes. She was insistent on telling us why she was no longer a nurse at this point in time... upset and frustrated with the medical systems after losing her husband due to a staph infection and how no one else would take care of him, and she herself had to draw his blood. "I don't believe it's right," she claims. Lord, give me the heart to listen and the words to say if needed. ... I didn't know how to respond to Teresa, to be honest. "I don't think it's right that they keep some people alive just to draw their blood, and wouldn't even take care of my husband. I don't believe God would want it that way."... Through the rest of the evening's comments... despite my inability to finish my eggs during the story regarding staph infections and death... My heart was softened for this woman in the well-worn Wafflehouse uniform. I was glad to see on my yellow and white tab that her name was Teresa... I wanted to be able to jot down a note, written out to her name, to tell her that she was going to be in my prayers. She commended me for pursuing youth ministry... "those kids need someone to look up to... kids are great." Of course, she also added in that John and Dave probably weren't going to do much meaningful with graphic design (perhaps she didn't understand the nature of this pursuit), and that Matt's pursuit for engineering... "well, that's great - not meaningful, but at least you'll make a lot of money."I may not know much more about Teresa, but I know that God loves that child at heart. It was at the moment that I saw her eyes brimming with tears that I also recognized God's love in her eyes. I'm not sure if she knows God as her Heavenly Father or understands who Christ is as her personal Savior... but my prayers are there, that I might one day rejoice alongside Teresa in Heaven...
it is perhaps the most vulnerable feeling to put down the phoneand be overtaken by the flow of tears...it is only then that i realize how alone i am in the house...and even the puppy can do nothing but watch my sorrow expressed in sobs.when all i need is a hug, my lonely self curls up and draws my knees to my chestand i feel the bitter bite of self-doubt...because my innermost being asks the question"am i lovely?"and "am i worth it?":::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::"Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to "keep it together." So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. "I'm gonna harden my heart," sang Rindy Ross. "I'm gonna swallow my tears." A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It's an understandable fear - but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children.... Let the tears come.... Let it all out.As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, "The tears... streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested." Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there - the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life as been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.Let the tears come."::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::"Every woman I have ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.After all... if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feelunseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.":::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.:: Proverbs 4:23 ::"Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you.Think about it: God created you as a woman. "God created man in his own image... male and female he created them" (Gen. 1:27). What it means to bear God's image, you do so as a woman. Female. That's how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart.... every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things:to be romanced,to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,and to unveil beauty.That's what makes a woman come alive."[ excerpts from Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge ]
so if guys need to hear it from a girl, here it is...
guys - don't flirt with girls.
...unless you're generally interested in taking care of her heart.
flirting is "playful behavior intended to arouse interest" ...
this sure doesn't seem to be directed only to females.
the smirks and smiles, the extra glance, the lingering side hug...
beware that girls read into every little detail and dissect every extra ounce of attention.
does this mean girls are ok to flirt and only guys need to watch themselves?
of course not.
doesthis mean that it's solely the girl's fault when she notices extraattention and gives way to intentional flirting, looking for even moreattention from the guy?
of course not.
i think there is a wrong view of this entire subject which has left us blind to the real issue at hand.
Guys - realize this...
GIRLS WERE CREATED TO BE NEEDED.
Imean seriously, the first woman was created to be an "indispensablehelper" - to be one with man... created FROM man... so it is onlynatural that a girl would feel the need to gain attention from a guy...to desire to be looked at as someone who is worth the extraconversation, the extra glance, the playful smile...
so most likely, if you offer it to her... she will take it.
and if she is able to gain your attention by such means... she will look for it.
thisis not about being hurt in the past... being heartbroken or anemotional wreck... this is solely about being created to desireattention and feel needed.
but there are times where thebroken heart takes longer to heal and the past stands in the way ofopening up or is hidden and covered by the search for inappropriateattention.
but you know what i think the real reason for excessive and unhealthy flirting?
... it's simple. it all lies in the misunderstanding of ones identity.
whydoes one (not just guys, and not just girls...) use excessive flirtingto gain attention? because they have lost sight of their true identity.
and i don't mean to sound cliche...
buti truly, honestly feel... and have experienced... that a girl will useexcessive means of flirting NOT because they feel lonely, or abandoned,or even really want that kiss... but rather, because they haveforgotten their identity in Christ. when one stops realizing that theywere created in the image of God... they stop recognizing, feeling, believing their worth. so they try to replace that "emptiness" so to speak.
girls flirt excessively when they have lost focus of their identity in Christ.
andthis is not just the perverted thinker, the apathetic Christian, or thenon-believers... this is for even the mature, "strong" Christian woman.
and i honestly don't know "why" guys flirt... (besides theobvious, physical reasons) but i can only imagine that this sameconclusion would apply. that a guy will give in to temptations andsexual lusts or desires when they have lost sight of their identity inChrist... when they have stopped focusing on who Christ is IN them andwhat that looks like. and this is not just for the perverted,apathetic, or non-believing guy...
i am by no means excusing anyform of excessive, sexually based flirting on behalf of girls... butthere is a lot more to it than meets the eye. and i don't care how manygirls try to tell me it is possible to have a "random" make-outsession, or a merely "platonic" relationship or non-committedfriend-with-benefits... IT'S NOT. because we were created to want more... we were created to feel needed, and there are always emotions attached.
ithink the only reason a girl will flirt with impure intentions isbecause she is no longer confident in who she is in Christ...
and more often than not, she will "flirt" to see where she can get that extra ounce of attention that she is craving...
soif the guy offers to give that attention, then it IS the kind ofattention she is looking for. it's just found in the wrong place, atthe wrong time.
...
i don't think flirting is all wrong.
but i don't think it is always healthy.
and i think it has a tainted perception in today's society - especially the "Christian society".
Guys - take responsibility for your actions.
it'sjust as easy for you to flirt with girls and lead them along... themore often you flirt with her, the easier it is for her to play withthose thoughts and look for something more... to create that"relationship" in her head and play around with those thoughts... todwell on the potential and the possibilities rather than focus on lifeat hand.
if you're not interested in taking care of a girl'sheart... then by all means, don't give her the extra glance, the hiddensmirk, or the lingering hug. and especially don't blame the girl for responding to your actions. if you start it... she'll often let it linger.
and Girls - just be smart.
if you want to be worth it... if you want to FEEL worth it... wait to kiss the guy who will jump over walls to find out whoyou are. and there's that cliche phrase about how a guy should have togo through Christ in order to figure out who you are... because you areso engulfed by Christ himself. remember... it's an identity issue. wewere created to want, to desire, that extra attention... but it meansnothing if we are left empty at the end of every night. and perhaps ifwe are blessed enough, one day there will be one guy who comes alongand just radiates Christ at a level that accelerates where we alreadyare and will only continue to push us closer to who He is.
... hmm.
perhapsi'm just tired of always being told that i wouldn't get myself intoconfusing, complicated situations if i would just stop flirting withthe guy.
... to what extent does the guy have to step up and takeresponsibility and admit that he never should have given me the extraattention in the first place?
i'm working on this flirting thing, really i am.
i'm not sure i have it all figured out.
but one thing i know... i'm tired of hypocrites.
meaning, i'm tired of myself.
and i'm redefining who i am...
to recognize who i am IN CHRIST. (thanks, pastor rob)
...
then again, perhaps all of this could have been said in a much simpler phrase:
guys,if you don't want to worry about the consequences of flirting, and areworried about your mind wandering in an impure direction... perhaps youshouldn't sit on that couch with your arm around the girl during thatmovie.
and you especially shouldn't tell her that it's her fault for flirting in the first place.
maybe then we wouldn't even be having these kinds of conversations.
i sigh with satisfaction at each roll of thunderas the rain beats down its heavy-laden sorrowand washes away the weighted questions in my heart...and tonight i'll sleep peacefully.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::i am rarely more content than when i'm sitting in the midst of a thuderstorm.this is another piece that i wrote fall of last year during a storm that woke me up.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::. . . the heavy pounding of rain quickened with every beat.each second flooded with a wave of hurried excitement.the next crash of thunder stole my slumberful attention as i rolled on my side. my heart skipped a beat at the realization of a nearing storm. my attention was fully grasped the moment the darkness took over.all black.all silent.except for the roars of thunder above the bright displays of lightning.it has been so long since my heart has felt like this. thrilling.i took my time to crawl out of bed...i knew i would need to reset my alarm at some point.that dull orange blinking just wouldn't do for the next hours of the night.perched by the window, i felt like i was almost at home - there were many nights where i curled up on the windowsill to watch a glorious display of lightning with the loud cries of thunder that rolled through the valley in the middle of the night.tonight was no exception to the glory ... as i sat there, each clap of thunder struck a chord in my heart. the nearness of it all just closed around my mind.pure dark once again... lights slowly flickered on here and there.with the next thundering crash, a car panicked for a few seconds...warning off its predator for just a moment or two.again, the lights outside my window gave in to the overpowering storm.i just sat there in awe... the rain beating furiously against the pavement.i watched one car roll by... several hurried figures ran past the towering lightposts and back into the night shadows. my mind assumes that perhaps the inside of their car is now soaked with memories of tonight's storm.thunder rolls off in the distance. the storm is slowly fading away.sirens wail off in the distance... but they cease soon after they've begun.all is silent once again.i grab my cell phone to look at the time... making an obvious decision to carry it back up to my bed with me - i would need to reset my clock at some point.that orange blinking just wouldn't do...one last glance out the window before i left my perch to head for rest.my heart felt so full. satisfied, perhaps?i just couldn't leave the racing thoughts in my mind to surrender to sleep...they would be lost in the night just as much as the storm passing through.. . . i can't help but think .... . . how majestic is my God.majesty....finally...here.
i sat in class tonight - the one that i attend only once a week for an hour -and i couldn't help but hold back tears.sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands my heart.sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands their designed purpose.i sit at the feet of wise words and guiding direction...i have recently and often been challenged to contemplate my purpose in life.why was i created? who am i to be? who am i now?tonight we were going through Ephesians 5:21-33 and Colossians 3:18-19.these passages overwhelm my heart yet satisfy my soul.to hear in words tonight that i want to be in a relationship where i am HONORED -wow.my heart was verbalized.i can only pray now that one day i will be in a relationship where i am VALUED and found WORTHY... because that's all i want. i want to hear that i am valuable and that i am INDESPENSIBLE. because i was formed and CREATED to be an indespensible helper... that is my true nature! i am just waiting for that day when i am privileged enough to submit to one man... to voluntarily surrender my will to one man... not because i am inferior or incapable of things... but because I want to serve in that way... to RESPECT one man... because that is how I was designed! to have an inner character that reflects a quiet spirit and a submissive attitude.i must learn to respect. submit.i want to be honored. understood.and wow, is patience hard.i can't wait for this relationship and yet i can't even imagine the reality.i struggle, i suppose.with waiting. i guess even with growing while waiting....that's all for now.but boy was it ever hard to not let the tears flow and cry out"yes! i want that relationship! i want to emulate Christ and the church through my relationship with one man someday!"it's so easy to say "where is he."it's so hard to say "how am i today?" or "am i ready?"but i guess it's not about being "ready"...rather about what i'm doing during this time of waiting...this is not loneliness. it's more... i don't know. contentment, perhaps?i was created for big things.i just can't wait until i am paired with someone else created for big things, and together we explode and do huge things for Christ.i'm crazy, i know.whatever... i feel some things just need to be shared.
Welcome to Simple Modest Mom! A lifestyle blog focused on motherhood, marriage, and ministry. This is where I share about my journey as a work-from-home mom and entrepreneur, being the wife of a youth pastor, and sharing about things that I love!
Learn more here.
This website and sidebar contain ads and affiliate links. Learn more about what this means here.
This is going to sound crazy but my new favorite thing is budgeting with YNAB and you have to try it! It completely changed the way I think about money, the way I spend money, and for the first time in—ever?—I'm not stressed. I have a plan. You will thank me later—don't pass Go, don't collect $200, just sign-up for YNAB!
