broken hearts.

Once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. And I cried for weeks.

I cried, and I slept, and I cried some more. I barely ate. I barely spoke. I remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt such deep loss... the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who I truly am... I learned a lot in those first few weeks of heartache. I learned what it truly means to be solemn. What it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time.

I questioned myself often... and for this, I am grateful. For it was out of this first broken heart that I started to recognize what I did and did not like in myself. And my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems... for sometimes, I create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but I pretend that it's real anyway. I did not like this in myself. I want to be real and unashamed, but I do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

The next time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for days.

In these days I felt hurt and confused. This heartache stripped me of the good that I saw in myself and left me battling a wall of bitterness. This was not ok. I learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. I learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. I learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away... sometimes it is the best medicine. So I got away... for several days. I learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? I learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

And the last time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for a night.

I cried for loss. I cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. It was in these tears that I felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. Sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. It was in these tears that I knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. It was in these tears that I felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. I knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. And I know that there will be no more broken hearts...

and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears...and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...get over your hill and see... what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair...

One day... love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
And one day... I will find the beauty of love as it was made to be...

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...be more like the man you were made to be.there is a design, an alignment, a cry... of my heart to see...the beauty of love, as it was made to be...

No more broken hearts.
Just promises.
Grace.
Submission.
Hope…

Very exciting hope.

no. 006 | hot springs.

☑ swim in a hot springs

Sometimes life brings about adventures that invigorate your spirit and refresh your soul.

That was my recent trip to visit a dear friend in northern Idaho and British Columbia. Sure, visiting a beach may be relaxing, but for me... visiting the mountains is refreshing... and boy, did my soul need refreshed! There is something so absolutely breathtaking about standing at the base of a giant mountain raised up out of the earth by God the Creator.

Since I made plans to visit my dear friend Katie and her husband, naturally Katie and I had to review my list and figure out if we could add a few things to cross off... one of which, included swimming in a hot springs. So I made sure to update my passport, and we booked a night at a hot springs resort in Ainsworth, British Columbia. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The drive through Canada alone left me in awe! And relaxing in a hot springs within a cave was superb... worlds more exciting than any hot tub I've ever experienced.

I would have loved to snap a few photos of the hot springs in the caves, but I was not that daring with my camera... so you'll just have to paint your own picture of what it was like to take a swim in a cave.

no. 005 | drive stick shift

☑ learn to drive stick shift

I had the chance to visit a friend recently out West, and she and I made some intentional time to cross a few things off my list... one of which, was learning to drive stick shift.

While this was quite the experience in stretching my muscle memory, it was exciting to learn something new. It really made sense to be in that much control of the car. I only stalled a small handful of times at some stop signs, due to the whole release clutch / give it gas at the same time thing, but that was to be expected until I could keep it in my brain and react without thinking. Katie and her husband Kacey were great teachers and very patient the entire time. I think they were actually somewhat impressed at how quickly I picked it up, without lurching the car forward at all. Seriously though, I was quite impressed with myself as well.

So there's one more thing checked off my list! Now, to find someone in town that also has stick shift that will let me "perfect" my skills...

no. 004 | concert by myself

☑ go to a concert... by myself

☑ take a photo with a band

So I knew I was adding one "new" thing to the list last night... but turns out, I was able to add one more (even better!)

Now, attending a concert is by far something new... I've had a love for live music ever since my junior high days (1998, to be exact... it was either the Audio Adrenaline/Jennifer Knapp/ OC Supertones concert... or the OC Supertones/Five Iron Frenzy/The Insyderz concert... I don't remember which came first anymore), which means I've been in love with concert-going for over 15 years now (whoa!). It started out at large concerts where i was a tiny speck in the crowd, and migrated to a love for music festivals, house shows, outdoor venues, amphitheaters in the park, and cramped theaters with standing-room only. But always, I have attended ticket-holding shows with other people. Never by myself. So when I heard one of my favorite bands was coming to town, I didn't hesitate to buy a single ticket... and made plans to go to the show... by myself.

Kind of strange to make plans to go to a show by myself. I felt like I needed to call someone up and buy them a ticket to join me. But this was somewhat exhilarating, to know that I was doing this because it was exactly what i wanted to do, and not just because a group of people were joining me. Now, to be fair, I did find out 10 minutes before the show that a friend was going to be there, so we met up and stood in line together, as well as took in the show side-by-side. But I feel like the very nature of attending the concert by myself was not altered... because I still made these plans on my own. And this show did not disappoint. I wish I could explain the exact atmosphere, but that never works unless you are actually there. I can say though, that my heart was soaring with every note that Paper Route produced.

After the show, I stuck around to chat with the band members and they seemed somewhat surprised when i mentioned that I've been listening ever since I first fell in love with "City Trucks" and that their music is in high rotation every Christmas season (because they have some of the most beautiful original winter songs i have ever heard). To that, Chad (bass/piano) glanced up at the ceiling and mentioned that perhaps they need to do a Christmas tour at some point... no argument here. When asked about taking a photo, he mentioned that they would stick around and sell some more merch first and then they would be happy to snap a group photo. So i sunk back to lean against the counter-top and take in all of the interaction and storytelling that was going on. It was not long until JT was telling stories about the photography of their most recent album (a most haunting image of a girl in a dress, knees pulled up to her chest, with wolves circling around her in the midst of the woods), and how this image was taken on a safari, with real wolves (and plenty of trainers, of course) and how they were also hanging on to other images from this series that included a giraffe, which will quite possibly be seen further down the road. I was drawn in by the animation that was used to tell these stories... as well as the gesture from JT to enter the circle and shake hands and ask my name. From there, JT called Chad over, and they were joined by Gavin, who loudly proclaimed "let's do this group thing"... and there we have it. My first group photo with a band. I'm not typically one to wait around to trouble anyone for a group photo, but I'm honored that they were so willing and eager to take a group photo for me. And with me.

So there's the story of how I added one more new thing to my list... spontaneously.

no. 003 | poetry slam

☑ attend a poetry slam

sometimes, things will get added to the list that i never even expected to be a part of when i first woke up that day...thanks to the inspiration of a dear friend, i had the opportunity to experience for the first time in my life, a poetry slam. words with emotion pierce right to my soul, and last night was an unexpected treat. i've seen videos of "spoken word" on youtube, but nothing can take the place of actually sitting in an audience of attentive listeners, drinking in the deepest thoughts being shared by another human being. what i enjoyed the most was the common thread throughout each of these pieces: a longing to be known... each of these poets expressed a bit of who they are, and some of them expressed quite vividly what they are searching for, and this... this is what my soul found most refreshing.i was reminded tonight that everyone is trying to share their story... and that sometimes, all it takes is a few seconds of courage, in order to be heard. i don't think anyone would have walked away from speaking tonight, saying "no one liked what i had to say" ... everyone got an applause when they were done speaking. we heard them. and i wonder, how does this carry over in my life? am i giving people the room to utilize those moments where all they need is a few seconds of courage in order to speak what is written on their heart, and know that no matter how much they stumble over their words or how much passion they put into their piece, that i will always be attentive when listening, and ready to applaud loudly when they are finished sharing?i want to be that. always attentive. always listening. always applauding.as a bonus... the poetry slam ended with a guest poet. i had never heard of this guest poet before, but he is an award-winning poet, who has won back-to-back poetry slam awards. words are his life. and i imagine that this is both exhilarating and exhausting. this guy is a fan favorite wherever he speaks... the Bowery Room in NYC, national events such as TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms), and poetry slam competitions. after his first poem, i realized what an honor it was to be sitting in this room...i feel i must share a bit of what i experienced last night.Anis Mojgani poured out his words of inspiration, humor, reality, and emotion.so, here is a video... not from last night, but it is a recent video, and this is just a bit of what i had the privilege to experience last night... my first poetry slam, and a guest performance by Anis Mojgani:[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PWrlOgrzHQ]

"Shake the Dust" by Anis Mojgani, Def Poet, won back-to-back titles at the National Individual Poetry Slam in 2005 and 2006, and won first place at 2007 World Cup Poetry Slam held in Bobigny, France. He performs here, as the featured poet at the Bowery Poetry Club in New York City, performing his famous "Shake the Dust".

this year: through faith.

last year i found myself often lying in the dark and asking God for CLARITY... of all things, i just wanted an understanding. i wanted things to be clear. i feel there is so much uncertainty in my life and i wanted a visible road map for what is coming next in my life... i knew he was calling me to WAIT on Him... but i often found myself wanting to say "to what end?" rather than just sitting back and saying "ok."this year... i find the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart and kicking me down a few notches. how selfish i have been in asking for CLARITY when all he wants is for me to TRUST. i have a hard time with the unknown. i can "chalk it up" to my planner-personality or my desire to make clear, smart decisions... but really, i just have a hard time trusting. i have a hard time being dependent on others. i have a hard time letting go of control.23 days into the new year and God is already rocking my world... He is continually reminding me that there must be a balance between [my responsibilities and my purpose for being on my own] and [waiting on Him to tell a greater story through my life, in His perfect timing] ... He is reminding me that it's ok and good to be strong and dependent and adventurous, but that this strength is not by my own doing... this waiting period in my life is not to show me that i can do things better on my own... it is all to remind me of how much I NEED HIM. i must depend on Him, not on myself. i must wait on Him, not on my own timing. i must TRUST in Him, not in what i can or cannot do.so i'm changing a few things this year... i have started a whole new list of things i've never done before. i want to enjoy this spirit of freedom... to soak in this independence and singleness.  but i'm not doing it to prove anything to myself. i'm doing this to continually remind myself that every day can be an adventure and that i can enjoy even the littlest of things. and i'm doing this to keep myself in a place of TRUSTING what the Lord has planned for me.

"... since we have been justified THROUGH FAITH, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access BY FAITH into this GRACE in which we now stand. And we boast in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; perseverance, CHARACTER; and character, HOPE. And hope does not put us to shame, because GOD'S LOVE has been poured out into our hearts through the HOLY SPIRIT, who has been given to us."[ Romans 5:1-5 ]

this year, rather than praying for clarity in my time of waiting... i am going to be praying for the Lord to take over, as I learn to TRUST in His plan, rather than my own plans. you'll see more posts about this "list of new things"... i'm going to embrace the adventure in my life... but i'm embracing these adventures because Someone Else is writing out my story, and I'm trusting that whatever comes along is so much better than whatever story i would have tried to write on my own.this year: by GRACE, through FAITH, with HOPE...for, "i am not my own."

promises: i will wait.

the theme of "waiting" has been quite prevalent in my life lately, specifically so in the last few months... the Lord is continually working on this area of my heart, and recently my prayers have shifted from "Lord, give me patience" to "Lord, give me clarity and wisdom." tonight, while investing time in Psalms, these particular verses really struck a chord with my soul:

Trust in the Lord, and do good; and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord and WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM; The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever.The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. WAIT FOR THE LORD and keep his way, and he will exalt you... Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. [Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 23, 24, 27, 30, 31, 34, 37 ESV]

naturally, the "wait patiently" part sticks out boldly in my heart... I feel like I have been in a "waiting room" for years now. but the most encouraging part about these verses to me is not the reminder to wait with patience, but rather the promise that "He will act." what a bold promise! an encouragement mixed with a very real conviction and reminder that I must commit my desires and longings and every day attitude to Him, and then TRUST that His ways are so much better than my ways... and HE WILL ACT. not on my time table, but on His perfect and glorious timeline...I need to remind myself of this daily.... wait patiently on the Lord.... HE WILL ACT.

poetry: i will wait.

there seems to be a common theme these past few weeks...i am continually learning. and some nights my learning is more uplifting and encouraging... other nights i am hammered with conviction.  tonight is one of those extremely convicting nights.  but that's ok... i need it. God knows where i am... and God is continually knocking away at some of my selfishness and impatience.i was once told that i should stop praying for patience, because God will continually be walking me through situations to stretch my understanding of waiting on Him... she was joking, slightly, but how true this is... I ask Him to teach me what it looks like to be content and to wait on Him... and He walks me through that journey.  but that doesn't mean I'm good at it.  oh, far from it... i still have so much to learn.last year i stumbled upon this video and watched it about five times in a row and cried more each time...there is so much power and conviction in these words that eat straight into my heart and soul... i mess up so frequently in so many areas, but this... this is where i long to be. who i long to be. and it is not, and will not, be an easy journey to get there...http://youtu.be/igCj3jsbcqs

‘I Will WAIT For You’ by Jannette Ikz (P4CM)

So, it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me…So I took matters into my own hands... and ended up with him.Him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, and a thief.So, why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting, cause it was me who let him in.Claiming we were, “just friends”It was already decided for me by the first day that even if he wasn’t, I was going to make him... the one.You know, I was tired of being alone and I simply made up in my mind that it was about that time.So I decided to drag him along for the ride cause I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat who was tired of the wait.So, I was gonna make him... the one.He had a form of godliness, but... not much.But, hey, I can change him. So, I’ll take him! I mean, he’s close… enough.Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it’s use to me.Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked HIS will from flowing through me.So, I thank Christ that HIS blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.Through my ignorance, HE saw.So, through my sternum, HE sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10.A new heart and a renewed, right spirit within.So, now I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait… for you.See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning.Cause, in the beginning was the Word and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings.Which meant nothing.He couldn’t even pray when I needed him to. Asking him to fast would be absurd.So, forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the WORD.But, I know YOU. You’re already praying for me.Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait… for you.I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of YOU to appease my boredom or to quench my thirsty desire for attention of the short-lived compliments from ‘sorta, kindas.’You know, “he’s sorta kinda right, but sorta kinda wrong.”His first name, Luke. His last name, Warm.I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but never feeling so far apart cause, “I just want to be held.”Cause all I gotta do is say... “No.”No more almost sessions of almost coming close, passing winks and buying drinks, and “Im’ma Im’ma Im’ma flirt.”… Who flirts with the ideology of, “Can you just tell me how much I can get away with and still be saved?”No more. I’ll stay in my bed, alone and write poems, about how I will wait for you.He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath cause I have thoughts that I’ve saved to ask, and our Father God only equips you to open.I will no longer get graded down from ‘so called’ friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time.Who is not subject to time, but I am subject to HIM.He has the ability to stop, fast forward, pause, or rewind at any given time.So, if we could role-play, you would be Abraham, and I would be Sarah, or you could be Issac and I could be Rebecca, a servant's answered prayer…I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Made up of your rib, Adam. And once we meet, like electrons … I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible, atom.We even speak the same math: 1+1+1=3, which really equals 1 if you add 'em.We were all created in HIS image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the SON.If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star...A son of the Son.I would gain energy simply from the light you shine on me.I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.I await your revelation, but once again from the Genesis... I will wait for you.And I will know you... because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom.Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses.Your faith will remind me of Abraham.Your confidence in GOD’s word will remind me of Daniel.Your inspiration will remind me of Paul.Your heart for God will remind me of David.Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah.Your integrity will remind me of Joseph.… And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples.But, your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.But I won’t need to identify you by and special ‘Matthews’ or any special ‘Marks’… because HIS WORD will be tatted all over your heart.And you will know me, and you will find me...Where the boldness of Esther, meets the warm closeness of Ruth.Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary.…. Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah.I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31 … waiting for you.But to my Father... my Father who has known me before and was birthed into this earth, only if YOU should see fit.I desire YOUR WILL above mine so even if YOU call me to a life of single-ness, my heart is content with YOU, the one who is sent.YOU are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known.YOU are forever my judge and I am forever your witness. And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.How I’ll always be YOURS and I will always wait for YOU, Lord... more than the watchmen wait for the morning.More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I... WILL... WAIT.

i will wait.

There is a difficult balance of emotion and willpower that is required for being a single woman in her late twenty's. Everyone has unique struggles at different stages of life, but finding that balance of being content amidst so much desire for "what's to come" proves especially difficult some days more than others. It's like i have no real balance... I'm usually on either side of that spectrum, overly content with where I am at and thankful that I only have to account for myself (and my dog), or I'm caught in moments of wishing i knew what was next: who he was, where he is, and when we'll get to live life together.

Songs speak to me. And usually there is a song that completes my thoughts/feelings on either side of that spectrum, but rarely does one fill the balance of those two: learning to be content, while still dreaming for what's to come. So many songs that have any semblance of "singleness" are so sad and depressing and overly romantic: why is that?! Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want to only listen to overly sappy sad love songs. (Well, there are those days, of course)... Or the songs about being content are strictly spiritual songs (worship songs): which of course is not a bad thing. I noticed yesterday that it's rare to find a song that can balance those two: that characterizes my heart in a spiritual sense, as well as a romantic sense. It's like a "love song" can only be one or the other: either we're singing about Jesus or we're singing about "that boy" ... I want a song that fits for both. Because i'm in the middle of both.

Then there was this song: and I've had it on repeat for days. Literally, i've been repeating this one song... for days.

First of all, i adore this group of musicians. Second, I am overly eager about this new album. But ultimately... I love this song because it balances exactly how i feel these days... as a single woman: this song has managed to be able to speak to me spiritually as I am constantly learning more about Jesus and what it means to wait for him... and this song relays exactly how I feel emotionally - the days of waiting, the learning to let my head lead as well as my heart, the need for strength and patience and persistence...and hope.

now i'll be bold / as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart so tame my flesh / and fix my eyes a tethered mind freed from the lies and i'll kneel down / wait for now and i'll kneel down / know my ground raise my hands / paint my spirit gold bow my head / keep my heart slow... 'cuz i will wait, i will wait for you...

I'm still learning... always learning: to be content with my place in life. To be excited about every day; to pursue people with love and intention; to dig deeper into understanding who Christ is while i have the opportunity of it just being "me and Him" ... still learning that it's ok to hope for the days when my singleness stretch of life will be past; I don't have to bury those desires just to keep strong. I need balance. I need my head to tell my heart to be content... I need my heart to remind my head that it's ok to dream...

and i'll kneel down...
wait for now.
i will wait...