(almost) ten years later...

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they say that time heals all wounds.i hated that phrase, once.  when my heart was first broken and the world that i knew was shattered... everyone told me that it just takes time.  that despite my brokenness, someday i would feel whole again.  that's the last thing that you want to hear when your heart hurts... and i still remember vividly what those days and nights were like, to feel empty, and dark, and hollow... to feel worthless.   to feel like i would never be able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.but i did.  slowly, but surely... i did.  and now i believe it.  that in many ways, time truly does allow for the wounds of pain and brokenness to heal.  there are still scars... some more obvious than others... but the pain is no longer there.  i really couldn't even tell you when the pain finally went away... it just did.  and it doesn't hurt anymore... those memories are no longer a burden.looking back, i see God's hand at work in the way that He cared for me and surrounded me and distracted me from my own brokenness, to allow the pain to go away over time.  and eventually, God broke down some walls around my heart to recognize my own flaws within that pain... my own selfishness and my desire for control.  a never-ending journey, but one that is recognized and that i fight against almost every day... to desire less of me and more of Him.and while time seems to be able to heal (most) wounds, i still believe there is great need for action... that healing ultimately requires recognition and response.  to recognize what once was and where you are going... and to respond... to forgive.  time may be able to distract and heal the pain... but without forgiveness, the bitterness will always sit in my heart.  how much more clearly i can understand the Scriptures when it says "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:14-15)  what a strong statement!  there is no way of letting go of the bitterness in my heart without forgiveness.  and despite all of this brokenness and pain and bitterness that was once in my heart... the Lord loves me all the more for it."all the more!" this amazes me. time and time again, i feel like i continue to stumble and fall and that i am filled with that brokenness again, or the selfishness, or the bitterness, and time and time again the Lord washes over my brokenness and pain.  the past few weeks i keep coming back to this phrase in James where he simply states, "but He gives more grace." and i am overwhelmed.  almost ten years later and the Lord is continuing to overwhelm me with His Grace, and i feel that i can finally say that i have let it all go... the pain, the brokenness, and the bitterness from all those years ago.tonight, i treasure the brokenness that has strengthened me tobecome who i am today.tonight, i am overwhelmed by grace.tonight, i am hopeful for the future and what is to come...

peanut butter sauce

So many of you have asked recently for this recipe after seeing photos that I posted... I made this fabulous sauce the other day for my mother's birthday as both a gift and for the dessert! Several weeks ago she was commenting on how she wished that she could find this sauce in the stores for ice cream sundaes, but never could. So... I decided to try my hand at making some! Not sure if it measured up to or exceeded her favorite Friendly's Peanut Butter Sauce standards or not, but everyone seemed to really enjoy this!

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Peanut Butter Sauce

Ingredients

1/2 cup heavy whipping cream (or half & half)
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup light Karo syrup
2 T. butter
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

Directions

- Combine all ingredients (except the peanut butter) in a saucepan, stirring constantly until all ingredients are dissolved.

- Let the mixture cool completely (personally, I took it off the heat and let cool, but still warm), then add the peanut butter and stir well.

- It will look messy, but keep stirring and it will turn out smooth and still have some of the grainy texture of the peanut butter!

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Time to enjoy!  For my mom's birthday, I acually made a double-batch thinking we would needs lots, but the single-batch would have served 6-12 people, with some left over.  This would be best kept refrigerated (due to the dairy), but is great warmed up for about 30 seconds (depending on the serving size), and is perfect for ice cream sundaes, or perhaps even to drizzle over a rich chocolate cupcake.  I'm sure that there are lots of other ways that this delicious sauce could be used... I would love to hear some more ideas or ways that you use the peanut butter sauce when you make it!

blessed: my 2 AM friends.

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"Your friends will help determine the direction and the quality of your life."There are many things that I am thankful for... but this year it is more and more apparent as to how blessed I truly am by the friends that the Lord has graced me with in my lifetime... past and present!Several weeks ago, during the sermon at church, we were digging into Scripture and discussing what encouraging and supportive friendships should look like... and our pastor asked us if we have any "2 AM friends". You know... those friends that we can call up at any time of day or night, even if it's 2 o'clock in the middle of the night, and they will step up to the plate to listen to you, to love and encourage you, and to challenge you.I'll be honest... I've known the answer to that question for a long time now... I thank God almost every day for the dear friends that He has placed in my life and for their faithfulness to not only the Lord but also their faithfulness to be my friend... even on my most un-pretty and selfish days!  These girls have walked through life with me since 3rd grade, and have laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me, encouraged me, and even slapped me around a few times to make me see truth rather than selfish lies.I'm often thankful for family and friends and am more than aware of the many blessings of grace that the Lord has provided to me... but these friends are more cherished than words can even truly describe! 

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broken hearts.

Once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. And I cried for weeks.

I cried, and I slept, and I cried some more. I barely ate. I barely spoke. I remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt such deep loss... the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who I truly am... I learned a lot in those first few weeks of heartache. I learned what it truly means to be solemn. What it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time.

I questioned myself often... and for this, I am grateful. For it was out of this first broken heart that I started to recognize what I did and did not like in myself. And my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems... for sometimes, I create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but I pretend that it's real anyway. I did not like this in myself. I want to be real and unashamed, but I do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

The next time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for days.

In these days I felt hurt and confused. This heartache stripped me of the good that I saw in myself and left me battling a wall of bitterness. This was not ok. I learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. I learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. I learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away... sometimes it is the best medicine. So I got away... for several days. I learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? I learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

And the last time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for a night.

I cried for loss. I cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. It was in these tears that I felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. Sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. It was in these tears that I knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. It was in these tears that I felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. I knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. And I know that there will be no more broken hearts...

and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears...and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...get over your hill and see... what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair...

One day... love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
And one day... I will find the beauty of love as it was made to be...

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...be more like the man you were made to be.there is a design, an alignment, a cry... of my heart to see...the beauty of love, as it was made to be...

No more broken hearts.
Just promises.
Grace.
Submission.
Hope…

Very exciting hope.

no. 006 | hot springs.

☑ swim in a hot springs

Sometimes life brings about adventures that invigorate your spirit and refresh your soul.

That was my recent trip to visit a dear friend in northern Idaho and British Columbia. Sure, visiting a beach may be relaxing, but for me... visiting the mountains is refreshing... and boy, did my soul need refreshed! There is something so absolutely breathtaking about standing at the base of a giant mountain raised up out of the earth by God the Creator.

Since I made plans to visit my dear friend Katie and her husband, naturally Katie and I had to review my list and figure out if we could add a few things to cross off... one of which, included swimming in a hot springs. So I made sure to update my passport, and we booked a night at a hot springs resort in Ainsworth, British Columbia. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The drive through Canada alone left me in awe! And relaxing in a hot springs within a cave was superb... worlds more exciting than any hot tub I've ever experienced.

I would have loved to snap a few photos of the hot springs in the caves, but I was not that daring with my camera... so you'll just have to paint your own picture of what it was like to take a swim in a cave.

no. 005 | drive stick shift

☑ learn to drive stick shift

I had the chance to visit a friend recently out West, and she and I made some intentional time to cross a few things off my list... one of which, was learning to drive stick shift.

While this was quite the experience in stretching my muscle memory, it was exciting to learn something new. It really made sense to be in that much control of the car. I only stalled a small handful of times at some stop signs, due to the whole release clutch / give it gas at the same time thing, but that was to be expected until I could keep it in my brain and react without thinking. Katie and her husband Kacey were great teachers and very patient the entire time. I think they were actually somewhat impressed at how quickly I picked it up, without lurching the car forward at all. Seriously though, I was quite impressed with myself as well.

So there's one more thing checked off my list! Now, to find someone in town that also has stick shift that will let me "perfect" my skills...

no. 004 | concert by myself

☑ go to a concert... by myself

☑ take a photo with a band

So I knew I was adding one "new" thing to the list last night... but turns out, I was able to add one more (even better!)

Now, attending a concert is by far something new... I've had a love for live music ever since my junior high days (1998, to be exact... it was either the Audio Adrenaline/Jennifer Knapp/ OC Supertones concert... or the OC Supertones/Five Iron Frenzy/The Insyderz concert... I don't remember which came first anymore), which means I've been in love with concert-going for over 15 years now (whoa!). It started out at large concerts where i was a tiny speck in the crowd, and migrated to a love for music festivals, house shows, outdoor venues, amphitheaters in the park, and cramped theaters with standing-room only. But always, I have attended ticket-holding shows with other people. Never by myself. So when I heard one of my favorite bands was coming to town, I didn't hesitate to buy a single ticket... and made plans to go to the show... by myself.

Kind of strange to make plans to go to a show by myself. I felt like I needed to call someone up and buy them a ticket to join me. But this was somewhat exhilarating, to know that I was doing this because it was exactly what i wanted to do, and not just because a group of people were joining me. Now, to be fair, I did find out 10 minutes before the show that a friend was going to be there, so we met up and stood in line together, as well as took in the show side-by-side. But I feel like the very nature of attending the concert by myself was not altered... because I still made these plans on my own. And this show did not disappoint. I wish I could explain the exact atmosphere, but that never works unless you are actually there. I can say though, that my heart was soaring with every note that Paper Route produced.

After the show, I stuck around to chat with the band members and they seemed somewhat surprised when i mentioned that I've been listening ever since I first fell in love with "City Trucks" and that their music is in high rotation every Christmas season (because they have some of the most beautiful original winter songs i have ever heard). To that, Chad (bass/piano) glanced up at the ceiling and mentioned that perhaps they need to do a Christmas tour at some point... no argument here. When asked about taking a photo, he mentioned that they would stick around and sell some more merch first and then they would be happy to snap a group photo. So i sunk back to lean against the counter-top and take in all of the interaction and storytelling that was going on. It was not long until JT was telling stories about the photography of their most recent album (a most haunting image of a girl in a dress, knees pulled up to her chest, with wolves circling around her in the midst of the woods), and how this image was taken on a safari, with real wolves (and plenty of trainers, of course) and how they were also hanging on to other images from this series that included a giraffe, which will quite possibly be seen further down the road. I was drawn in by the animation that was used to tell these stories... as well as the gesture from JT to enter the circle and shake hands and ask my name. From there, JT called Chad over, and they were joined by Gavin, who loudly proclaimed "let's do this group thing"... and there we have it. My first group photo with a band. I'm not typically one to wait around to trouble anyone for a group photo, but I'm honored that they were so willing and eager to take a group photo for me. And with me.

So there's the story of how I added one more new thing to my list... spontaneously.