There's No Great Loss Without Some Small Gain (via anne's blog)

My grandmother wrote this post recently and I thought it was so poignant that I just had to re-share it...

"...we absolutely must live in community with each other. Whether we admit it or not, what affects one of us affects all of us. God said it, and it is true."

I was embarrassed, even ashamed, when this thought came to me in the weeks after the Amish tragedy. I knew where the thought came from: years of reading and re-reading the Little House On The Prairie books, books I read on cold blustery days when the lane blew shut and the wind howled forlornly around our farmhouse. After lunch I would pull a blanket around me and read again how Caroline Ingalls dealt with the various disasters that came upon the … Read More

via anne's blog

The Amishman Comes Back (via anne's blog)

I helped to create a blog for my Grandmother to use to share her fabulous stories of her daily life... this was what she posted today. It made my heart smile. :]

I sat down for a while on an Adirondack chair under the century-old Norway spruce trees behind our house. I watched my husband come out the front door of the shop, apparently talking to someone who was standing just inside the door. Don's hand gestures were large and generous, sometimes waving my direction and sometimes swinging this way and that. I found it interesting, but not interesting enough to get up and see what the discussion was all abo … Read More

via anne's blog

enchantment of the heart

I saw the most enchanting sunset this evening...

It wasn't so much the beauty of it, but rather the way that every so often the setting sun would glimmer and captivate my entire view.  I feel like God was doing that same thing on my heart today. I realize He is always majestic, but every now and then I catch a new glimpse of Him that absolutely captivates me.

My heart was encouraged this morning by God's Word in James, as well as the message on this passage in church.  I am learning to be someone that is determined to persevere through life with joy, no matter the trials or the triumphs.  I want to be someone who is marked by compassion, with a slow tongue and a quick ear.  

My heart was also encouraged this afternoon with several conversations that I had throughout the day... conversations of adventure and life stories... conversations of heart issues... and conversations of spiritual brokenness, renewal, and longing.  It refreshes my soul to know that I have dear friends in this life that are concerned with matters of the heart. Friends who care less about my style of shoes and more about seeing Christ in me... for that is the cry of my heart.

Not every day. I have so many weaknesses and issues to work on, but I long for Him to shine through me, even on my worst days... to shine in such a way that one glimpse can take someone's breath away and captivate their view.

exciting things.

There are some things in life that just make my heart swell so big I want to shout things from rooftops and can't stop smiling and just want to share the news with the whole world... and sometimes it's not even my news to share!

Several nights ago I walked into my back door after spending the evening at my parents' house (and coincidentally was not feeling so well, ready to just crawl into bed)... and promptly received a text message from my dear roommate (who was staying at her parents' that night rather than our place, since her sister was in town)... and this is how the message read:

Now that was just a flurry of emotions right there! Of course, I was pretty sure what that meant, even without the image, but I am a visual learner, and I wanted more proof! I feel I must also explain that recently Kate's boyfriend Jonathan has been searching for houses, and I was waiting this weekend to hear whether an offer he made was accepted. So you can imagine that while I was excited, I also had no idea what to think... was it about a house?! Or was it ring?! Both are exciting things, but of course, for Kate's sake, I was hoping to hear that it was the ring!

Well, I can now, with full permission, "shout it from the rooftops" that my dear soul sister is engaged and has a ring on her finger! Exciting things! I also have permission to post these photos of her stunning ring! (good job, Jonathan!)

silly frustration.

I'm not typically a worrier. But there are a few things that can manage to get me all worked up... one of them being: my car.

I feel very silly when I get overly emotional, and especially when I am emotional over something like my car. But today was supposed to be a day filled with sunshine and coffee drinks and lots of productivity. Instead, I have a car that won't start, and when it does, it lurches forward like a horse trying to jump out of its gate. And for some reason, this has me curled up on my couch crying like a little girl.

It makes me wonder what it is I value so much about this large machine on four wheels. Is it the independence and freedom that it provides? The ability to be in control of something? Am I placing too much value on this inanimate object and allowing it to become an idol? Or am I merely crying out of frustration for not being able to adequately provide for myself? I don't have the money or the means to take my car to get it checked out professionally... let alone the money to actually get it fixed, whatever the issue may be.

Regardless of the actual reason, the result was the same: I felt like a silly emotional girl, crying over car problems.

:: Edit ::
As of now, my father has looked over my car and it appears as though it may be the fuel filter... a "simple fix." I am thankful to have a father who is able to help me work through these issues, but the frustration still remains and leaves me vulnerable to silly emotional states of being. I must learn to not get quite so worked up, though. My ultimate provider, my Father and Lord, has me in his hand.

puzzle pieces...

I'm speaking at a retreat for some high school girls this weekend and was asked to share some of my life story... to show how God is uniquely using me to bring Himself glory...I wanted to post a modified version of what I'm going to share.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It feels kind of silly, but as I reflect on my own life I really feel as though I have little to share.Imagine that you’re putting a puzzle together… you know how you dump all of the pieces out on the table and many of them are flipped upside down, and backwards, and none of it seems to make sense? So far it’s just a big mess of pieces. I guess sometimes I feel like my life is one giant puzzle that I’m looking at… the only difference being that I don’t have the box with the big picture on it. So right now, I’m standing at this place in life, on one piece of this gigantic puzzle that doesn’t make any sense and I can’t figure out what other pieces it connects to… If I look to my right I can see where other pieces have started fitting together, which is helping the picture to become a little clearer, but to my left, is still a large messy pile of pieces and I don’t know where they belong.Let me share with you some of the pieces of my puzzle that I have already seen pieced together in my life. I suppose I should start with the basics and tell you that I grew up in a loving family that pushed me to love Jesus and enabled me to grow in a relationship with God and His Son. I learned to thrive at church and summer camps, and found many of my best friends at church. Of course, it helps that I have a very outgoing, attention-driven personality, especially in junior high, and I would often find myself wanting to be immersed in various ministries at church. Over time, I was slowly being molded and finding in myself that my heart was being pulled to ministry. With that said, even up until my senior year of high school, I really didn’t know what it was I wanted to do in life. When I was really little, I wanted to be a veterinarian… mostly because I loved animals. I think really I just always wanted something to take care of. Then later, I thought it would be great to be a teacher. I think I wanted to be able to help people learn things. Although, looking back, I genuinely think that I really just wanted to be able to hold a red pen and circle lots of mistakes on other peoples’ papers. And then I realized that becoming a teacher would mean going to more school (college) just to be in school for the rest of my life… no way! During my senior year of high school, through an opportunity I had to take a class for our morning announcements, it became more concrete to me that I almost enjoyed speaking in front of people, as well as playing with electronics and editing video and being on a computer all the time. I learned that I love seeing results and get excited when I am able to create something that is visually pleasing. And, as I’ve said before, I absolutely loved being at church. I took several opportunities to step into leadership roles for small groups along with leading mission trips, and all of this started to confirm in me that I was meant to be a part of ministry… to help create disciples for Christ, and I really wanted to be a role model for younger girls.So… all in all…When it came time to choose a college, I started to realize that I wanted one that had a strong communications program (because I thought it would be a great career to be in broadcasting or video editing), but I also wanted it to have the possibility to get even more involved in ministry programs (specifically youth ministry). And in my mind, the two of these weren’t that far off from each other, because I saw great value in improving my communication skills and technological skills for the purpose of ministry.I think I made that all sound like a picnic in a park, but there really have been some seriously challenging pieces of my life puzzle. When I went to college in the fall after my senior year of high school, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was finally leaving my family and stepping out on this journey of independence, I had lots of friends and several of my closest girlfriends since childhood were going to the same college as me, and I had a boyfriend that told me we would eventually be getting married… after college, of course. (Shoot, what was four years, right?) I may have felt like I had everything together in life, but in the next few years, God was going to start tearing down different walls in my life in order to get me to walk a path closer to His heart. Like I said earlier, sometimes we’re standing on one piece of the puzzle and just can’t see any logical place for it to fit with the big picture.During my freshman year of college, my boyfriend eventually decided that he didn’t like me and that our relationship wasn’t going to go any further. I don’t mean for this to turn into a sappy story, by any means, but this jolted my entire understanding of who I was and where I was going in life. I may not have said this to many people, but in my mind, I just had to make it through college, and then after that I was getting married to this boy, and that was all that was going to matter. So when this was ripped away from me, I was brought to my knees in utter confusion. I think parts of me wanted to be angry at God… I was confused about who I was or where I was going in life. I didn’t understand my purpose anymore. This was also a time in life where I started to find out about a lot of deep painful issues that were going on in my family… that had been going on for a long time… that almost everyone in my family knew about except for me. I can’t give you more details than that... not just because I don’t want to talk about it, but really because even now I don’t fully know or understand the details of those issues… I just know that I felt like I no longer had anyone around me that I knew anymore.Everything and everyone closest to me in my life felt like a lie.Even back at college, I had similar situations where friends just stopped inviting me to join their group activities, and I had to struggle through understanding why I wasn’t enough, or was too much, or what was really going on. As much as I have always loved being around people, these different roadblocks on my path in life were bringing me to a point where I was really questioning who I was… or who I was supposed to be… or who I even wanted to be. And just because I went to a “Christian” college, doesn’t mean that I always wanted to be there. My “Christian life” stopped being a desire of who I wanted to be, and slipped into a daily “routine” of who I was supposed to be. I got to a point where I was no longer excited about going to church, too exhausted to find a ministry, worn out from classes and uninterested in opening my Bible. This went on long enough that without realizing it, I ended up failing all of my classes my first semester of my senior year of college. I just stopped caring for a while. Because of this, I needed to go back to college for one final semester after my senior year, and it was during this time in my life that I experienced the tragic loss of one of my best friends in a car accident. This was another time of deep pain in my life... not out of anger at God... rather, just a sadness in knowing that this beautiful person was no longer in my life. I’m looking forward to spending eternity in Heaven with her though, and hope that she knows what kind of influence she has had on my life. God used this time in my life to kick my heart back into gear and remind me how precious my life really is… to remind me that other people are watching how I approach life even when I don’t know it. You see, my friend Janet taught me what it looked like to love other people with the same unconditional, patient love that Christ did. When she talked about Jesus you could see in her eyes that she knew Him… and that she continually desired to know Him more.I’m thankful that I’ve always had friends placed strategically in my life to not only lift me up out of those dark places of hurt and confusion, but to also remind me who was ultimately in control… that God was greater than myself and even though this piece of my puzzle didn’t make any sense in the moment, God was the one holding the big picture and He knew right where it was going to fit in with the rest of my pieces. You see… the key to the puzzle is not in knowing what the big picture is, or where your current piece is going to fit with the rest of the puzzle… the key is in knowing who is in control of the pieces.God is continually working on my life and if I’m to be completely honest, I still don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do in life, or what I’m supposed to be “when I grow up.”  But I do know that I don’t want to be the one trying to fit the pieces together in my life puzzle, because that gets so draining.  I want to let God be in control so that my picture can come together with as much of His beauty as possible.

unnaturally forgetful

I have a hard time understanding God's capacity to forgive and forget...My thoughts feel so scattered.  I find that I often like the stillness that comes in the quiet. I find it comforting.  I need to clear my mind, but I feel as though there is so much up there all jumbled together that it will take weeks just to sort through the floating pieces.  I have a hard time forming meaningful thoughts and at times catch myself not knowing what to say to people.  So tonight I drove in silence while trying to piece together the thoughts on my heart.At times I feel it would seem so much easier to be selfish in life.  I want to say that my thoughts and feelings are the most important things that matter and if I am unhappy or upset, that is the way the rest of my environment should be portrayed.  I want to hold hurt near to me as a sense of self-identity... a mark of significance in my identity versus that of others.  Simply put, by definition, to be selfish is to be consumed with self.  And it is natural for me to want to be consumed with myself... with my thoughts, my feelings, my hurt and pain...I can't get over the image of how this must affect God.See... for as hard as it is for me to forget the hurt that I've felt so many different times from so many different people, how much harder must it be for God to forget the times that I have sinned and hurt Him... ?Of course this monologue could continue in a lengthy discussion encompassing the Holy Trinity and sin nature... to understand my earthly identity from my spiritual identity, compared to the identity of God... but this is not where my thoughts are disconnected from my heart.Really, I think I am just in awe of God's capacity to love me.  To forgive me and to forget my sins... to truly wash me clean when I say I am sorry and pursue me in a gentle manner that sets aside the hurt I have caused.  And here I am having a hard time forgetting the times that I have been hurt in some form......who am I?I deserve nothing, and yet act as though I have a right to carry around the weight of hurt that I feel.  If I say I want to ultimately be like Christ... I must ultimately learn to live in the un-natural.  It is unnatural for me to put my feelings aside and move forward in grace, yet this is what I want.I want to be unnaturally forgetful.

woven wind.

the light gray clouds drifting across the pale blue sky bring chilled gusts of wind that easily find their way through the woven fabric of my shirt. i notice the scent of the cigarette walking in front of me, taking me back to later college days in back alleys and parking lots. i miss the conversations i once had with those people...I was reconsidering a thought today...People like to hear their name. I try to frequently say a person's name at work because I want them to notice that they are more than just a breakfast order. Perhaps our society is so used to convenience that we have become indifferent to individuals... it is not entirely unnatural or unthinkable for one to go through an entire day without hearing their name. perhaps most people don't even notice, but I would think that must get lonely. I don't want to become numb to my surroundings- especially at work. I want to listen to, relate to, and empathize with the people in my community... even when I'm serving them coffee. I have thus far enjoyed the stories this community has to tell.Anyway, I must finish my thought-wandering for the day and move on with the other little tasks that must be accomplished today...

inspired memories.

i know today isn't really about being sad...but i am sad, nonetheless.it was one year ago today that i experienced the crippling grief of great loss... the loss of one of my dearest friends.  i am trying to remember to be thankful for the time that God shared her with me and others.  i am certainly blessed to have known her... she has inspired so much in me in the short time that i spent with her.i was walking towards work this crisp fall morning from the top of pine street as one of two guys shouted "hello" from the rooftop, asking how i was... it seemed straight out of a movie.  i replied "good," noticing the blue of the sky, and he proceeded to tell me that i looked nice today...  that made me smile.  i know janet would have gotten a kick out of that.  i also know she would love this coffeeshop that i work at...i miss her.in honor of the memories i have of janet, i have listened to plenty of the format, lovedrug, imogen heap... even some shane & shane and matt nathanson... i guess really any song finds it's way to remind me of janet today.  i also had a wrap for lunch, reflecting on all of the many times i would walk into our kitchen and find her nibbling on a green spinach tortilla wrap... i am reminded that she is now in a place where there is no pain... no stomach problems... i wonder what she may be feasting on today.the rain storm that rolled through this afternoon seemed only appropriate, and managed to keep me inside rather than out and about and driving around.  i think this really was best... driving too easily brought tears to my eyes today.of course it would seem, that every news clip i happened to catch on the television this evening reminded me of the loss of janet... the death of a student in chicago... the loss of lives in the floods in the philippines... (i just know janet would have been eager to go help those people, if she could)... sigh.i am lonely.  i'm sure some would say it would be better to be in a crowd at this moment... but perhaps i need to feel lonely for now.  i won't deny that i wish i had arms wrapped around me at the moment, but it needs to carry significance.  i'm not lonely because i'm still hurting, but i am lonely because i want to be a part of something greater.  i miss the people who understand what that means... i miss my dear friends who knew her so well right alongside me...i miss my dear friend who taught me to love unconditionally.

silence for slumber

my head is pounding.the aching seems to be gradually getting worse these days. i want to just close my eyes so that it might all go away.  the slow rumble, trickle, rush of the water through the pipes in the ceiling are reminiscent of effects of my headaches at times.i'm supposed to be packing but can't bring myself to do it at this hour.instead i shall leave the empty bags to be filled in the morning.the still rush of the wind caused by the fan in the ceiling slowly hums in my direction, wishing me to rest my head on a pillow.  the methodical music from the crickets outside beckon me to slumber.sometimes i wonder how i am to genuinely silence all thoughts swirling through my head.  i want the songs from earlier in the day to stop playing their rhythmic choruses over and over... i want my shoulders to relax and lessen their tension... i want nothing but silence alongside the hum of the fan and the buzz of the crickets.tonight i want to erase all thoughts from my head so that i hear only silence...silence to lead me into slumber... a clean slate ready for whatever dreams may occur...

hazards of love.

The quiet dance of the cello plays lightly overhead as the foam and espresso settles on my tongue with its rich tingle. I have just taken a seat at a table in the back of the cafe and have spotted a well-worn childhood classic on the chair in front of me, and I wonder where the wild things actually are...It did not take long for the music to change and I am now listening to the soulful voice of Cat Power as I moments ago had rested my pen and chose not to dilute my thoughts, as I too often do. I can't help it this time... I know I'm single. I will just let my mind rest there for a while... Sitting quietly in the company of my thoughts, I bring the cup back to meet my lips and stare out the window. My place in this moment in time could be defined here and now by a beautiful ellipses in italics. I am thinking of everything and nothing at the same time....I love a clouded sky that brings the promise of rain.I love a coconut latte that warms my heart with its rich foam and smooth flavors.I am fond of childhood memories and books that capture that essence.But I'm only human, and I can't help but long for more.I could do this... I could live in a city.One with large stone houses and brick sidewalks... coffeeshops on the corner across from the used bookstore... making plans to meet up with the one I love to discuss the triviality of the day and dream about days to come.I suppose though that I must continue to stare out the windowand wonder when the rains might fall...

Currently: listening to The Hazards of Love by The Decemberistsspecifically... Isn't It A Lovely Night?